Epiphany

Looking back on my Journals, I was really unfair with Love. I liked one guy on Monday then Friday comes and I'm into another guy. I've led a lot of people on. I got up and ran when something good was coming my way. I always looked in the dark alleys for my love interests. Some one who was bad. Some one who pushed me around, but could end up sweet at the end of the day.

Leo was my very first boyfriend. He was so perfect, and I just let him go. For what? A rockstar who couldn't keep his hands to himself who eventually left me for another girl when I didn't give it up. Who drastically altered my life after that. He made me think that virginity wasn't a gift. Anything but that. It made me run into the arms of any guy that would take it. He made me believe that my virginity was a disease. I just wanted to get rid of it. After that, tragedy after tragedy occurred. That guy left me for another girl. I ran to whoever was available and fell so hard for Tyler. Five months later, he left me for another girl.

I refused boys for awhile and turned into a lesbian. Dated a girl who five months later left me for another girl. I ran again to whoever was available. Christian. My first real true love. I was tired of everyone leaving me. I didn't want the broken heart anymore. I didn't want to be crushed. I went behind his back with cheap thrills. I craved those "new butterflies". Unfortunately, Christian couldn't give me those feelings again. It wasn't fair to him at all. I really did care for him. That's why I told him all the truth. The truth was too much for him to bear. I tried to fix things. The cravings were just too strong for me. I wanted him to yell at me, put me in my place, and let me make it up to him. The addiction grew and he had enough. During the three months, deep regret and guilt overwhelmed me. I wanted to fix things...

So the story goes that he left me for another girl.

But what I'm realizing, reading back on my journals, that I'm finding myself falling back in love with Leo. To actually give him that chance he never really got back in high school.
You see, Butterflies start to rush every time I see his name light up on my phone.
Memories of his smile and green eyes run through my mind all day.
And how he says my name so soothing to my ears...
Jeeennnnnniiiifffeeerrrr

It started with Leo... It might very well end with him.
Your right Christian, Nice boys do finish last.

Added to July 2010:
Leo is just like all the rest. I suppose after I broke his heart, he changed. After that thrill of him, I just kept my heart open. Single was looking good for awhile. I had so much on my mind anyways. I had my friends, my education, and that career to find. It was nice to go out and not have to worry about breaking some one's heart. I could be as selfish as I wanted to be. I wasn't a beggar, so I could be a chooser. I wasn't looking for some schmuck, just so I didn't face the fact that I was alone. God knows I wasn't alone. I was just honestly picky for once. I mean sure, I went through a cowboy stage, and "went out" with a few guys, but turns out they're not for me. I was just dazed.

I've took risks before, on contacting people, but this was different. I don't even know how to put it. A twist in my story. I've had all the guys I've ever wanted, but this was different. There's always that one guy, but you never know how to strike up a conversation. You never have class with them, or don't share friends, or never happen to be next to each other at a school event. Just share glances on the way to class. I simply added him and one thing led to another. Now were planning to get married.

For once, I don't want to be with anyone else. I find myself falling deeper in love everytime I'm with him. Typeing that, makes me smile and that's all I need. :)

Baby Blue Eyes...

Just when life seems okay, I'm turned around and all alone.

I'm staring at the phone...

I'm driving to nowhere...

I'm laying alone...

It's the songs that get to me. "Who I am hates who I've been..." "Don't say goodbye..." "Dance with me one last time" "Quit crying your eyes out, baby" "I had to give you away.."

If this is Karma, I'm living it to the fullest everyday.

I've tried sucking all the poison out, but what I've done is sucked the life out of me.

Jennifer Lynn is no more.

She's dead...

No more baby blue eyes.

They've turned gray

Guys are all Jerks

I will no longer make excuses for why you didn't text back, or why you bailed on me and then later blame your friends for not hanging out with me.

You ALL ARE JERKS.

It doesn't take that much effort to text back.

When you tell me I'm the only one you want, or when you become single just to hang out with me.

It's all a lie.

When you say you'll always love me and that you'll always be there for me.

It's all a lie

Talk is cheap.

Your promises are shit.

Meaningless.

Why do you feel the need to lead me on?

If it's not going to happen then don't talk about it happening.

I'm so done with guys hitting on me just to get me in their pants.

They don't even ask if I even want the sex or not.

I hate that they lead me up to their room and over power me.

It's not fair. It's fucking bullshit.

You're all the same. I'm done.