The major thing is I'm glad is that all the testing is finally over. So it's not seizures, or just depression. Which I wish it was just depression. But no, I get to have a disorder. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I don't want to be medicated. I don't want to have Bipolar. People will think i'm psycho if I told them I'm bipolar. I get to live with this virus for the rest of my life. It's unfair to Jessy to put him through all the mood swings. It's unfair to myself to feel up and down all the time. I wish I was just normal and stable. My emotions get the best of me. I hate myself so much. It brought my self-esteem to the ultimate low. It doesn't help that I've gained 10lbs. I just wish I was dead sometimes. Everything would be much better if I was gone.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Living With Bipolar
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Day 1
- I don't think I'll ever get over my first crush.
- I'm a kid at heart, and I love acting five.
- I get jealous really easily.
- I still suck my thumb when I can't sleep
- I used to be anorexic and eat about 300 calories a day
- I'm Bi-polar.
- I'm, also, Bi-sexual.
- I worry over the smallest things.
- I suck at arguments
- I'm a big flirt
- I don't know what I'm good at.
- I'm lost in my own little world.
- I have 3 different personas.
- I have to be perfect at everything I do.
- I can't disappoint a friend.
The Challenge
Day 01 - A picture of yourself with 15 facts
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04 - A picture of your night
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10- A Photo of You in a Favorite Outfit
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A photo of your favorite film(s)
Day 17 - A photo of you as a baby. A year old.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss
Day 31 - A picture of yourself
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Pondering...
Love is like a puzzle. Everyone approaches it differently. They could find the corners first. Or connect all the sides or they can be brave and start at the center
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Here's to the Holidays
Jennifer’s Christmas Letter
Season Greetings,
2010 has brought me a plethora of highs and lows. I started the year unemployed and not attending college. I registered for college to start back up again about the second week of January. I was single at this so I went on my on occasion date. Since I broke up with Christian, I was taking it slow to find my next beau. I hung out with Sarah and Eleni, my best friends, everyday. We’d always have sleepovers every weekend. We’d go to Winco and stalk some friends. We’d always get Taco Bell and prank called everyone in our contacts.
In February, I saw my favorite band live in concert. The day of, my so-called-friend was supposed to drive us to Portland to see Mayday Parade. Long story short, a distant friend was also headed to the concert took my brother and I. I had a great time. I got a spot right next to the stage. The lead singer held my hand and sang to me. Mom and Mike were there to pick us up afterwards so I didn’t get to meet the band. There’s always next time…
Months flew by and I turned 19. A few days before my birthday, I met my fiancé, Jessy. For all that don’t know Jessy went to Pasco High with me and graduated the same year. He’s that boy that I always passed by between classes. I will admit that I had a HUGE crush on him. We never talked until I added him on Facebook that same day and turns out that he had a huge crush on me too. Then they lived happily ever after.…
I finally landed a job at Charbonneau. I worked as a waitress and served to retired elders. It was a nice job and the people were mostly great. I’d sometimes get the grumpy folk. My friend worked there, and made the day go by much faster. Even though, we only work two hours at a time.
As June crept up, I was slowly losing my motivation to be a nurse. It brought on a lot of stress. I was in constant worry to figure out what I’m good at to turn into a career. The overload of stress and anxiety made my health worse. At the end of June, I visited the ER twice because of “seizures”. I was starting to see the doctor weekly. I had all kinds of tests done to a sleep study to a CAT scan. (or MRI I’m not sure) All the doctors couldn’t figure out what was going on. They assumed it’s just depression and anxiety.
In July, the whole family went to the beach. While I was there, my new employer called me. The following week I was employed to Kohl’s. I started doing Ad Set. I went in at around 8PM to scan and change all the price signs. We’d usually have a group of five people doing about three departments each. After the first night, my supervisor came up to me and told me that I was doing great for my first day. Since then, I’ve been getting great recognition for my work.
In August, I had wisdom teeth removed. The night before, I went to Spokane with Sarah and Eleni to see Brad Paisley in concert. He was not particularly my favorite genre of music, but I must say the light show was amazing! We had to rush home, so I could make my morning appointment. I don’t remember the surgery very much. They pulled me back and set me up to the IV. Next thing I knew, I was awake and heading home. I recovered in two days and was able to eat regular food.
In September, I had surgery to remove my tonsils and adenoids. I was excited to finally have them out. They were so huge that I couldn’t breathe properly and I snored at night. Jessy held my hand before they took me in the surgery room. When I woke up, I immediately felt the soreness in my throat. The nurses always made sure that I had a popsicle in my hand and my cup was full of water. I had to stay there for about three hours while the anesthesia wore off. I felt so loopy and tired. Once I got home, I took my pain medicine and slept. I recovered within a week, but still ate soup and popsicles. The doctors were right, it was the worst sore throat I had. My mom took care of me and made sure I had everything I needed. She documented when I took my medicine just like a professional. She even bought me a special lounge pillow for the recovery. That’s why I love my mommy.
In October, I was on my first prescription of antidepressants. The doctors finally made up their minds and assumed it was depression and anxiety. Towards the end of October, Jessy and I took a trip to Seattle for the weekend. We went to a rave to see a DJ he likes. We danced the night away and met odd people. We walked around Seattle and Redmond walking in and out of stores and just enjoyed the city.
In November, the antidepressants weren’t working. I was put on a different antidepressant and at the end of November those weren’t working either. My doctor told me that I might have Bi-polar. I’m still haunted by what he said. I have to go to another doctor to get tested. As soon as I know, I’ll let you know. I worked my first black Friday at Kohl’s. It was crazy but the day went by so much faster. I rather have everyday be like that. I finally got to go to bed after being up for 30 hours. A few days later, Jessy and I finished our Christmas card and sent it out.
Christmas is just around the corner and with all this student loan debt (my mom is the bank), I hope to get everyone a gift.
Until then with love,
Jennifer Lynn
