Thought of the Day

Fuck me.

Jennifer's Lullaby

Right before I go to sleep I think of...

The past.

Mistakes.

Of letting myself go.

Of letting myself down.

Of letting myself become this way.

Of letting us stop going to that psychiatrist.

Of how each day I live in some regret and great remorse.

Goals Achieved.

Of how I got my CNA degree.

How I graduated high school.

How I did suberb on my Senior Project.

How I learned my favorite song on piano all by myself.

How I started this blog and how far I've come along.

Love.

How I wasted all the time on Reece.

How I thought I would have him one day.

How I let everyone know about my crush.

How I let him control me.

How I told his mother I liked him and

how she told me she would like me as a daughter.

How I let myself fall so hard when he didn't do anything.

How he got his way.

How angry I was when his ex just walked all over him.

How he just let it happen.

How he looked at me like I meant nothing.

Like my love didn't even matter.

How naieve I really am about my relationships.

How if I really paid attention I would see how exactly it would end.

How perfect my first kiss was and betrayal followed it.

Enemys.

How to this day Stephanie STILL talks about me.

How many theroies as to why she is.

How they say that she is in love with me and how much I loathe her guts.

How I had somewhat of a crush on her when we were friends.

Best Friends!

The bestest friends in the world.

How I don't even know why we broke up.

That she doesn't even know why we broke up.

Memories of lust, crimes, lies, and good times.

I think of...

The present.

Juan and if we'll ever hang out.

Of how I sorta drawn to him.

We have many memories on the bus of us sitting together,

tickleing each other,

walking around after school.

I mean I liked him more than Roy.

I was really drawn to both,

but I didn't want to mess up the friendship.

Luis and if he'll accidentally fall for me, again.

I don't want another heart to heart

of him telling me that he really likes me.

I really like him as a guy friend,

and I don't want him to think of me as something more.

Roy and if he killed himself tonight,

and how I had feelings for him

but I didn't want to get involved.

His depression really got in the way

of us really being something anyhow.

Even though, we talked for hours

and I actually took him away

from all his depressed thoughts.

I will never forget when he said that

"Roy thinks that Jennifer and Him should be together."

It broke my heart that I knew things wouldn't work out

and how I wished they could.

Harvey and if He's okay with his loss

and how I could do something about it.

How optimistic and strange he really is.

That I really enjoy talking to him.

If he'll ever find that special someone.

Sarah and how I love her so much

and if she'll ever consider dating my cousin

and the same for my cousin.

That I'm really glad that we became friends again.

I really hope she comes to Spokane with me.

I don't want to go alone.

Eleni and how I love her too

and how I love her boyfriend

and I love that she didn't need the help

finding that perfect somebody and neither do I.

I hope I don't get a crush on her boy toy.

That is one mess I don't want to get into.

Family and how they will always be there for me.

My Grandma and how I don't want her to die ever.

I will miss her too much.

People that have passed through my life.

An Ex that's back in town

and how he tells Luis to call me

so he can talk to me, but I'm on the phone

and he won't reply.

I think of....

The future.

If I'll ever receive that text I'm so patiently waiting for.

If tomorrow will be a better day or not.

If I'll get swept off my feet.

If I'll get into WSU.

If I'll get my AA degree.

If my employer will call me.

If Christian will come back into my life.

Or if I'll find someone else.

If I'll break down and call him up.

If I'll control myself not to.

If this cold will ever go away.

If my dad will ever talk to me.

If It's too late to pay for winter quarter.

If I need my SATs for WSU.

If Reece will ever realize what he did.

If Kendra will ever call me.

If April will ever pay me back

If Stephanie will ever accept my apology

If Brandon will come home safe.

If my dad will ever stop smoking

If my sister, Morgan ever like me.

If Sean and I will ever be close again.

If Tasha and I will ever be close again.

If...

To Christian:

The other day, I was cleaning my room and I found a letter I forgot to give to you. It was meant to go into your yearbook, because, to this day, I have not signed it. Here's what it said:

Dear Christian,

Since you didnt' make my yearbook full of sap, I might as well fill yours. I love everything about you from your skinny little body to your gorgeous eyes. I love how you treat me and wait on me hand and foot. I'd never want to lose that! Thank you for everything you do; Driving me to school, paying for everything, massages, and explaining things. Your my everything that I've always wanted. No one else can compare. One in a 7 billion, baby!

Your Highschool Sweetheart,
<3 Jennifer Olson
(later, masturbater)

To the side of it was a cute little doodle of a girl(me) and boy(you) holding a heart.

If you ever want the original, It's here along with my heart.
That's all.

New Goals for the New Year

"Run, Baby, Run. Don't ever look back.

Don't say were not meant to be. Forever will be, You and Me."

Year 2010:

• AA Degree, I need fucking funds!
• WSU Fall! already did the app! WOOP WOOP
• March-April That new job.
• Lose 25 lbs by Feb.
• I don't think I need SATS?!
• Spring Break (Cali) Bring SARAH AND ELENI!
• Octopus Tattoo!
• My Butt Tattoo b4 Summer! (hehe)
• Become a HOTASS BITCH!!!
• Get a tan
• Hope Brandon comes home b4 my bday!
• NO BOYS! FUCK THAT!
• SCHOOL AND WORK SCHOOL AND WORK SCHOOL AND WORK!
• Smart car!!

I should really not have coffee at 10 at NIGHT! I'm still WIDE AWAKE!

Optimistic.

Positive

The tears have all dried up
the dreams have all vanished
the ring has left the finger
Memories start to fade
I no longer strive for comfort
I no longer wonder, wish, or pray
Because I already know

Word slips into air
but I don't fall
All questions soon to be answered
Time tells all
Or so I'm told
What will I ever do now?

Someday, Somewhere
I'm positive

I don't really have any inspiration to this blog. More like quips.

Recently, an old friend messeged me to call him up. (Luis) So I then called. We spent hours talking on the phone, and I really missed being able to do that. Christian never talked to me on the phone. I love to talk. Everyday I've been calling or him calling me and then we talk for hours. Today we hung out and watched our all time favorite movie. Nick and Norah's! We both said word by word. Lolz. Pretty funny actually that he would be obsessed as I.

Next thing is that Tyler is back in town for the holidays and Luis is sorta kinda best friends with him. I mean he lives right across the street from him. Next thing I hear is that Tyler has been asking about me, which is strange since he lefted me la blah blah, but you know it kinda makes me have hope for the future. Someday Christian would do the same thing. Ask about me. Yes, I do plan on bumping into Tyler, perhaps tomorrow. Just to see how he has changed. I do know nothing will happen between us. He has a child and I don't know if she's a wife or just a girlfriend, but I don't really care. I just want to show myself off.

btw, my puppy is having a nightmare. she's yapping in her sleep. It's strange.
I'm starting to miss Roy. I really want to hang out with him. We beat my record for talking on the phone for like six hours one time. Not his which is like 12 hours. That's kinda hard to beat.

Stupid weather keeps me away from my friends. :/

Non depressing post.

My thoughts have been quite depressing recently and I would like to take a break from insanity and just get out there again. I can not be stuck in this stuffy room all month waiting. Time goes by much faster anyways when your having fun. Just for your insurance, I'm not saying I wanna get out there and flirt with every guy who looks my way. Which you know, I could get any guy I want. I think Friday I wanna get up on that dance floor and shake my ass. I'm really in a dance mood. Dancing is everything. It makes me so much happier. I can not say no to dancing. Last Friday I went to a winter ball, and It made me feel so alive. It took my mind off of all my worries. While I dance, all my sadness goes away. Everyone on the dance floor becomes my family. People surrounding me. Laughing. Having a good time. I love the club. omg. I'm turning into my brotherrr!!! AHHH!!! I can't wait til he gets back and we can hit that club every Friday! I don't need to get fucked up to have a good time. I don't need a boy to have a good time. Just turn up the radio and let's have at it. :) mm. Me like me some dancing! WEEE!!!

Just for the record. I LOVE DANCING! hahaha.
:D

ily, cns!

waiting...

It's the third day into this month break and I can't stand it any longer.

He haunts my dreams, and invades my thoughts. Every night I go to sleep, I have this amazing dream with him in it. So amazing it feels real. I forget all this bullshit and were together. He's loving me and I'm loving him. Then I wake up and I cry. I go downstairs, drink a protein shake then workout. Watch TV till someone comes home. And then some moment I'm up in my room again crying. Everyone is trying to set me up with some guy and I don't want it. I don't want anyone else. I know exactly who I want. I don't want to get over him. He made me feel safe, wanted, and so comfortable.

I just can't do anything anymore. Everything reminds me of him. When I'm at a store, or anywhere, I look for him.

Shame on me for losing such a great guy. Shame on me for cheating on him. Shame on me for everything.

I have not put down your ring. I always look at it and pray.
Then praying leads me to crying, crying leads me to hating myself.

thoughts of killing myself still cross my mind.
....
i'm hopeless.
I hurt so much.

You know any explaination I come up with will never heal the wounds I've made. But I really have a feeling as to why I did it. In every relationship I had, the partner always hurted me first. whether that was taking my virginity when I've haven't completly made up my mind about it, or Cheating, or ignoring me, or just plain leaving me for someone else. and yes, I believe you were a possible so called "rebound" guy, but who couldn't blame me. I've been hurt so many times before you and I couldn't trust just anyone. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that...

Is it possible that I hurt you first, just so that you couldn't hurt me? I mean it does make sense.

Sometimes when I got into those depressed moments, I would always have an argument in my mind saying Let's break up, but Look at him he really cares, I could possibly fall for him.

And here I am fallen. No one here to help me up. Waiting for my true love to come through that door again.

I have no idea what he is up to tonight, and have no idea what he's thinking and that really upsets me.

I just want him back. I miss him so much.

I love you.

Happy Happy Happy

I'm the happiest girl in the world. I feel as if our love is stronger than ever. I love Christian so much!!! And I thank God for bringing him back to me. This moment has made history and I'm so glad to be apart of his life again. I'm overwhelmed with joy. I've had tears of happiness all night. :):):) Life is so great. better than great. PERFECT. Christian is perfect! I can't wait to see his smiling face again. :) Sigh. what a long day. Rollarcoaster. Just as I thought I was all down hill. whatta relief. No words explain my happiness. I anticipate a long happy life with Christian Nathanial Sanders. Love what a great feeling. :)