Jennifer's Lullaby

Right before I go to sleep I think of...

The past.

Mistakes.

Of letting myself go.

Of letting myself down.

Of letting myself become this way.

Of letting us stop going to that psychiatrist.

Of how each day I live in some regret and great remorse.

Goals Achieved.

Of how I got my CNA degree.

How I graduated high school.

How I did suberb on my Senior Project.

How I learned my favorite song on piano all by myself.

How I started this blog and how far I've come along.

Love.

How I wasted all the time on Reece.

How I thought I would have him one day.

How I let everyone know about my crush.

How I let him control me.

How I told his mother I liked him and

how she told me she would like me as a daughter.

How I let myself fall so hard when he didn't do anything.

How he got his way.

How angry I was when his ex just walked all over him.

How he just let it happen.

How he looked at me like I meant nothing.

Like my love didn't even matter.

How naieve I really am about my relationships.

How if I really paid attention I would see how exactly it would end.

How perfect my first kiss was and betrayal followed it.

Enemys.

How to this day Stephanie STILL talks about me.

How many theroies as to why she is.

How they say that she is in love with me and how much I loathe her guts.

How I had somewhat of a crush on her when we were friends.

Best Friends!

The bestest friends in the world.

How I don't even know why we broke up.

That she doesn't even know why we broke up.

Memories of lust, crimes, lies, and good times.

I think of...

The present.

Juan and if we'll ever hang out.

Of how I sorta drawn to him.

We have many memories on the bus of us sitting together,

tickleing each other,

walking around after school.

I mean I liked him more than Roy.

I was really drawn to both,

but I didn't want to mess up the friendship.

Luis and if he'll accidentally fall for me, again.

I don't want another heart to heart

of him telling me that he really likes me.

I really like him as a guy friend,

and I don't want him to think of me as something more.

Roy and if he killed himself tonight,

and how I had feelings for him

but I didn't want to get involved.

His depression really got in the way

of us really being something anyhow.

Even though, we talked for hours

and I actually took him away

from all his depressed thoughts.

I will never forget when he said that

"Roy thinks that Jennifer and Him should be together."

It broke my heart that I knew things wouldn't work out

and how I wished they could.

Harvey and if He's okay with his loss

and how I could do something about it.

How optimistic and strange he really is.

That I really enjoy talking to him.

If he'll ever find that special someone.

Sarah and how I love her so much

and if she'll ever consider dating my cousin

and the same for my cousin.

That I'm really glad that we became friends again.

I really hope she comes to Spokane with me.

I don't want to go alone.

Eleni and how I love her too

and how I love her boyfriend

and I love that she didn't need the help

finding that perfect somebody and neither do I.

I hope I don't get a crush on her boy toy.

That is one mess I don't want to get into.

Family and how they will always be there for me.

My Grandma and how I don't want her to die ever.

I will miss her too much.

People that have passed through my life.

An Ex that's back in town

and how he tells Luis to call me

so he can talk to me, but I'm on the phone

and he won't reply.

I think of....

The future.

If I'll ever receive that text I'm so patiently waiting for.

If tomorrow will be a better day or not.

If I'll get swept off my feet.

If I'll get into WSU.

If I'll get my AA degree.

If my employer will call me.

If Christian will come back into my life.

Or if I'll find someone else.

If I'll break down and call him up.

If I'll control myself not to.

If this cold will ever go away.

If my dad will ever talk to me.

If It's too late to pay for winter quarter.

If I need my SATs for WSU.

If Reece will ever realize what he did.

If Kendra will ever call me.

If April will ever pay me back

If Stephanie will ever accept my apology

If Brandon will come home safe.

If my dad will ever stop smoking

If my sister, Morgan ever like me.

If Sean and I will ever be close again.

If Tasha and I will ever be close again.

If...