This has been the worst year yet. I wish I could redo last year. I’m so stupid
Why do all these people want me when I’m such a horrible person. I can’t even forgive myself for the actions that I’ve done. I can’t even love another person anymore. I know that I will hurt them. I shouldn't even talk to anybody, all I do is let them down. I’ve already let too many people down, including myself. I am what I didn’t want to be.

A whore. A stoner. A fucking slut. Pregnant?

I’ve let go the only thing worth living for. The only thing I was looking for. I just let it slip through my fingers. I broke it. I left it. I tortured it. It can’t even look me into the eyes anymore. It can’t even tell me anything anymore. It can’t even love me the same way anymore. I’ve ruined it.

I can’t believe something so kind and generous, and I just thought it was just another mark on my post.

I’ve been hurt to, but that doesn’t mean I had to treat it like shit. I think I would’ve rather been cheated on and together then to be dumped. Tyler, for example, dropped me like a bomb. I had no idea why. I thought that our relationship was perfect. Just one day he picks me up and tells me we are over. It's was then after he was gone, that I realized that I was just a rebound girl, and he ended up with his ex in Idaho. Another example, Hector. He lead me to believe that he liked me and that he wanted to go out with me. With me, being so nieve, I believed him and gave up my virginity to be with him. The very next day, he told me that he has found someone else, and never talked to me again. Another example, Dani. I knew that she was just a "hookup" kinda girl, but I thought I could change that. Five months long and she tells me that she wasn't looking for something serious anyways and left. Another Example, Taylor. The only time I don't act like my shy self, turns an oppurtunity into shit. I just took that first and that last kiss a little too far.
Another Example, Ryan. My first kiss. Sophomore year. I guess I got too attached to him, cuz then he started to avoid after he found out that he was my first. It just crushed me.

I've been dumped, ditched, cheated on, lied to, avoided, ignored, hurt.
So many times...

Tell Me Who Should I Be To Make You Love Me

While he was thrusting into me, emotions ran through me. The same emotions came through me when we first had sex. The emotion of this feels so right that it makes me cry. The first time I kept the tears in, because I didn't want him to think I was really weird, crying while I took his virginity. This time, I couldn't hold them in. I've cried so many times in front of him and this I couldn't hold on to. I couldn't control the emotions. I didn't want him to notice me cry, I tried so hard to keep it to myself. Shit, he saw. Louder cries. Now what? fuck, fuck fuck. "Are you okay?" I'm fine, it's just emotions. It's not just emotions. It's everything. He gets up. Fuck, What did I do? I'm so stupid. Ugh. I hate this. So angry at myself.

I stare into his eyes, and I know it's all my fault that we are what we are. How could I ever let that go and forgive myself. I have no idea what to do now. I can't get attached, but it just felt so right. Being there, holding him, holding me...

I know what my kisses meant, If I only knew what his meant...

What I want...

I want to be an important person. I want to make a difference in a person's life. I want to affect them. I want to be the sweetheart. I want to know what to say all the time at any given moment. I want to wake up happy knowing the day is going to be lovely. I want to know my exes know that I care about them. I want people to stop judging me just because I've one too many mistakes. I not only want love but serenity and comfort. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call my dad. I want to be able to ask questions. I want to be brave. I want to be open. I want to be honest. I want to be a lesbian. I want to live...

Comforting Dreams

This is truly home. Softly drifting into dreams, my mind swirls into oblivious. The voices of my relatives comfort me as they converse and laugh. Suddenly I don't feel so alone and cold. My heart feels warm and full. Memories flow through my mind like a creek. Thoughts of happiness and laughter. I'm not alone. Pain loosens this strangle thats gripping at my throat. All worries that I've gained fade. Smiling faces of friends and family appear. I'm up, higher than the skies. So easily to fall but I keep afloat. This air beneath me is strong yet so weak. My mind keeps twirling into technicolor and on I drift. It seems so dark yet so vibrant. Deeper and deeper in emotions. Mostly comfort comes to mind. The people that have held me up when I was rock bottom, the people that have supported me through my tough times, the people that has helped me throughout my life. I'm drowning in the warmth, but it's not a feeling I dislike. It's not burning, it's a cozy warm. Like when your mother wraps you in her arms and rocks you to sleep. I'm enjoying every minute. Skies are gray, but mine are blue. The sun is gone, mine still shines. The rain is pouring, I hear the music it plays for me. It's my own lullaby. Colors are brighter than ever. Foods are distinct. Sleep is not lost. I feel refreshed. A clean slate is on the horizon. I see it. I see myself acheiving it. It is what I want. It is what I need. My future. It's so clear to me. The warmth has now turn cool. Not cold, nor freezing. A brisk fresh air. Spring air. Pink roses and morning rain. Wind blows through my hair. My nose tingles as the sun smiles down at me. She's proud. I'm proud. The birds sing and the bees buzz. What a lovely day I think to myself. My path is set for me. Many doors along the way. Shall I choose a door or shall I stay on this path? I see some doors are white and big, like mansion doors. With Greek towers on either side or those lion statues. Other doors are unfinshed rough wood. Nails sticking out. Holes through them. I peek in those holes, and see the path on the other side. Abandoned and broken is all I feel. I continue down this path I'm on and see if a door looks interesting enough for me to walk through.

Fuck this New Year!

Every year it starts the same...

I'm with my family...
I'm Heartbroken...
No New Year's Kiss...
Some Ex always texts me and pisses me off...
My Cousin always gets on my nerves...
I did something new with my hair...
I'm in my "emo"state...

Always the fucking same.

FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT! I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF! I CAN NOT STAND THIS FUCKED UP FUCKING WORLD! WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND SO FUCKING DUMB! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK MOTHERFUCKER! I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT! FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Omg I'm just fucking raging right now. Why did he have to fucking text me and why the fuck can't I just ignore it?

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I'm going to get drunk.
Peace.