From the heart.

There's a few things I wish I didn't do. Cheat, Lie, and Steal.

I always seem to be the relationship where "I love you but I'm only in this until this girl I use to talk to talks to me again" That's all of my relationships, and only after they've broken up with me, for another girl, have I realized that they are talking to the girl they met before me. I guess I'm just the rebound girl. Well, this month I've cleaned my slate of all these guys I've talked to, and started with someone new. He use to follow me around in middle school and was just a very interesting boy. So I've found him on facebook, thanks to sarah for helping look. Been talking for about 3-4 days now. Exchanged numbers and continue to text throughout the day. I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I've talked to Sarah and Eleni and Eleni says he's alright. Which is alot from her. I am certainly anticipating his good morning text and our daily conversation.

Meanwhile, I'm very much in love with Christian. Tears will not stop falling. My heart is breaking this very moment talking about it. I really miss his tight embrace around me. and his soft lips upon mine. i can't do this anymore. deep breath. your fine, jennifer. just breath. He'll come around. just breath. that 8x10 doesn't help. I should put it down as the time being. breath. It's so much self control not to text him or drive by his house. It's too much just to drive past his work. i really can't take this. i don't want him to fall for someone else. I'm so stupid. I screwed up so much. I want it all back. I would do anything. i just had an out of the body experience. everything feels out of proportion. I feel taller and my arms feel so far away as i type. I'm getting dizzy when i look down at my hands typing, this is so fuckin weird. ahhh make it go away.

anyways, about a couple months into my relationship with christian i really had to fight myself to stay with him. I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't falling in love with him. When he told me he loved me, i didn't really feel the same way. I just lied to myself and said it back to him. Well if you lie to yourself so many times you start believing it. and that's prob why this is so hard to let go. and now I don't even know the truth. It hurts to see him liking another girl, or is that the jealousy speaking?

Confused.