Fear Is Just a State of Mind

Jennifer Olson
Stress Management
7:30-9:50 Thursdays

I use humor as a defense most of the time. I laugh it off. What’s the point of getting so defensive over something that doesn’t really matter? Opinions of others are not my concern at this point of my life. I only have one life, and I’m not going to base it living up to someone’s standards. I could see myself using denial, repression and rationalization as another mechanisms, but mainly humor.

Dreams come off as wishful thinking. I find some dreams do come true, as in déjà-vu. Like today for example, I dreamt many months ago that I licked my friend’s phone. Who knows why? The dream took place at a different setting but the actions remained the same. I find this to be true with most dreams. Daydreams have a higher chance of becoming true. So yes, I do take a higher value in my dreams and the messages they say to me. Although, I may never fly, fall off that cliff, or get chased by that monster, but the message that lies beneath remains.

I think I have come into terms to accept all that there is. Perhaps a few weeks ago, I was still in the process of accepting a long hard break-up. The first time I thought I accepted it was a lie, because it repeated itself into denial, anger, bargaining, and withdrawal. I hope I have accepted it this time.

I use to think I was a victim of my mother’s punishment that I was always picked on by her. My brothers always seemed to get a lighter punishment and more leash, whereas I got more strict policies about going out on the town. There were always the clothing problems, the curfew, the being in public, who I was with, the checking up on, and so on. It took many years of growing up to realize that I wasn’t a victim, just well loved.

I’m big on worrying and feeling guilty. I think I have improved on becoming less on both, but I still worry about a suicidal friend, or being late to class. I feel guilty when I visit more often with one friend than with another. I try to keep a balance of the friends I spend time with and that puts me under much stress and pressure.

I believe that I semi-explode when I’m angry. Actually, I’m not really the angry type and it really depends on what and who I’m angry with. I explode on my brothers, just because I’m that comfortable showing my emotions to them, and that it’s mainly a game we play. I self-punish when I know I could have done better, such as grades, a social incident, or an opportunity. I suppress the anger between friends. I use sarcasm with anger in difficult, awkward situations such as public anger, or with strangers. I wouldn’t really say anger with that, more like annoyance. Improvement would be much needed in self-punishment. I think I put myself down harder than others do. I use to live by perfection and purity, but came to reality that it could never be accomplished. I still live in remorse with the past decisions I’ve made about my identity as an individual.

I really don’t have much anger to cope with. When I do, I usually write it out on my blog. It lifts somewhat the anger I feel. The rest could be driven out of me by heavy metal music, or letting it go on the dance floor. I have one friend in particular that we get out our anger in a healthy matter by yelling in a normal tone at each other. We’re not mad at each other, we just let out that anger others caused to each of us. It’s a strange way but I know my friend doesn’t mean a single word. Sometimes, I run it out. Emotions are helpful to get the creative artistic side to come out. I use to paint, and draw when I felt victimized. My great pieces came from strong emotions. I think that anger is a part of life, and that we shouldn’t completely ignore it, but put it into use.

My goals are all education and career related. I don’t really have a fear that’s holding me back per say, but I do have fears about how to come about them. I have the fear of growing up and being responsible for myself. I have the fear of going off to college, a big scary place of strangers. I have the fear of letting myself get out of control at the college and letting grades slip. I have fear of looking out my window and feeling all alone. My past fears were overcome by just believing in myself, and to just keep afloat. Fear is just a state of mind, and you can put the mind over matter.