I'm frustrated and hurt. Last night's movement left me hung up and I'm the one that suppose to feel guilty. It's all messed up. A mere joke that went astray. My humor was off mark, and I was being punished by it in the worst possible ways. The support blocks of my future are crumbling at the foundation. Imagine how it feels to step on shaky grounds. To be misunderstood and in the wrong all the time. I don't want to live in a life that is so strict and serious. Where I'm held down by a rigid thumb, pushed up tight with stuffy commands of what is right and wrong. Who made him king? Why does he get all the say? Where does this petty biased behavior come from? Why does it have to come? It's so unfair. My heart has no room to beat. My mind has no room to think. God forbid, if I open my mouth to speak. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I cannot be controlled. I'm not a subject to his manipulation. My thoughts are not restricted or limited. I'm my own person. My own voice. I'm not weak nor powerless. I have the right to my own opinion. I have the right to live the way I want to. I have the right to tell my own jokes regardless of someone's feelings get hurt. It was not my intention to bash you.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
High Horse
Days creep closer to my due date. I scroll through all the old blogs you wrote about our relationship. I can't help to feel so small. Your words about love were so strong. We had the world together, but I never saw it. My sweet naive mind had to crush everything. I believe we could have lasted if I put more effort into caring about us. "Where did we go wrong?" I could ask myself over and over, but finding the answer would simply be wasting time. Even though, I feel this strong lock on my heart when it comes to you. I'm head over heels deep into another relationship. Guilt fills my soul. Why does my mind reverse into the past when I'm....
The past is over. I can't change a thing. The hair of hope that I hang on to so tightly grips back around my throat. I can't breathe. I can't think. Love makes us blind. I can never see what's really going on here. A man that works day and night for a woman that hangs him high and dry. What more does she want? Why is she so two-faced about love? She believes so deeply into fairy tales, but can't see her own version exists. She gets everything she wants, and somehow still wants more. How can she get off her high horse when it's up so high? Falling would be the only answer. Trusting that she will be caught before she hits the bottom is her only fear. She can't trust.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Letter to the Globe
Glances on blank pages is possibly the worst thing in the world. It's like when someone sends you a "k" in a SMS. I could think of a more brutal annoyance; spam. Not the food, mind you. The long "sad", "funny", "cute" emails that junk up my inbox. 673 emails should never arrive on the same day. It's everyday things that dig tension into our weak bodies. Pain, everybody is talking about pain. Grumble this, groan at that. Fake smiles on innocent people. The grit and grime that's beneath everyone's mind. Problems causing problems causing war. How is this justice? People don't even want to help other people anymore. It's everyone to themselves. Their motives, their thoughts, their emotions; why is everyone out to be better than someone else?
People
Extensive
At
Communicating
Emotions
I'm not referring to the sappy sob stories. I'm talking about getting to know each other by joining into each others' hobbies. Speak your thoughts, and ask for stories. Have you ever...? Put the live in life, and not yours, the people that surround you. Family and Friends. Everyone.
Maybe then, we can actually get some peace.
Wishing all the best,
Jennifer Lynn
Monday, December 3, 2012
Writer's Block
Thought bubbles form like dew upon my mind
the mystery it brings is my only disguise
my next attack they'd never see
the worst part of me
All my words seem to jumble
when I start to question their existence
From those lips you made me kiss
Writer's block
I must switch gears. So, people of the world, I have a confession to make. I know I'm a confused little girl in this big unknown world, but last night I had a vision. I was driving into to work when I thought more about going into criminal justice to study detective work. I got chills. This might be everything I have ever wished for. Detective work is a wide range of abilities. It holds majority of the qualities I wanted in a job. For example, secretarial skills, researching, taking care of people, and traveling/see new things. Using the power of psychology and law to creep into the lives of others. Anyways, that's always an idea.
Twenty-one years old. I think I'm behind my goals list from high school, but that was when we were in better hands knowing what the future brought. The past didn't know the future would be so questioning and double doubting herself. I have somewhat of a degree to show for it. Even though, I still have one more class to complete it. At least, I have always found some work to keep me out of trouble. I just don't have any motives for the future. All I am expected to be is a mother and a wife. Why should I make myself more complicated than that? What are people going to know about me anyways? That I'm so and so's wife. Thoughts of the other side pulse through my neurons. Cutting all my hair off and just accepting the fact that I'm a total dyke and I can't stop thinking about tits. The only question I can ask myself is; what makes me happy?
If I don't succeed the urge to cut my hair off by Jan, I'm sure after new year's will be the day.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Feelings of confusion cross my mind. The paths lie upon me, and I haven't came up to par on the whole situation. Time is ticking away on which road to take. What do I want my future to hold? Great guys with great money were always a priority to me. I wouldn't think of myself as a gold digger, because money is always important when it comes to relationships. Another value I hold is communication. Can I trust them enough to confide in my secrets which are locked under key. my Pandora box should never be opened, only if they really pry deep. It's not easy to be outspoken about my emotions. They never do myself justice. my feelings and my thoughts are on two different wave lengths. I can never tell what I'm truly feeling. I'm rarely angry, my happiness seems to carry an awkward swing, and my excitement is kept askew.
Nothing seems to be thrilling. I'm not one of those girls who scream and jump around just because they see something "totally cute".My enthusiasm is shown with a monotone "sure". Monotone. How can I light my fire of inspiration?
I'm extremely quiet and everyone knows it. Strangers let me know frequently. I try to be more extrovert, but my problem is that I don't even know how to accomplish that. Asking questions about some one's life seems too invasive. Coming up with those questions is a chore. In-depth conversations are only carried out by myself, within my own mind. solving problems, worrying about tomorrow's achievements. The future is such a dark and ugly place.
Blank stares down the paths of my life before me. my heart has not chosen. my should doesn't not sing out the answer. I must need more time.
I need to get my personal goals out of the way before I start choosing paths of situations I think I'm too young for. Marriage and a family is soon to be around the corner. I'm scared and excited at the same time. Am I ready?
Time. I just need time.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Everything was going smoothly, up until now. Mysteries and puzzles leaked into my mind. The audience tightens the grip making the air so thin the silence could break any moment.
Drifting onward along the cobble stone path, I cross a man who looked despairingly in need of help. I pulled on the reign to bring my beloved carriage over to the side.
"How do you do, sir?" I called out.
He stumbled over to my direction.
"I need a ride into town, quickly" He pleaded.
"Hurry up, then! I'm heading there myself. What's the occasion today?"
He pulled into the carriage and I whipped my reign.
"Hiya!" I shouted at the crack of the whip.
He never answered me back about my question. He never told me why. I felt him breathing down my neck.
" Are you doing al...." I turned my head and he had a revolver pointing straight at me.
"Just keep driving" He grunted.
I whipped back around and gave my horses and extra gallop. Terrified of what this man wanted with me. Was he going to rob me? Kill me? Thoughts clouded my mind, as he could pull the trigger any moment now. I wouldn't even know until it was too late. I hope I survive the next five minutes.
"Pull over!" He demanded.
I halted that very second.
"Get into the carriage with me."
I slide my body back into the sit next to him, willingly. He took ahold of me and starting to grab my body closer to his. The gun snug between us. He looked into my scared baby blue eyes, and told me to take my clothes off. I stood there frozen into his glare. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me.
"Take them off!"
He started ripping at my clothes and pulling up my dress. His rough hands slide underneath my dress and grabbed my panties and forcefully pulled them down. He licked his lips as he gazed at my vagina. He pulled my legs up, which made me fall onto the bench. He slammed his face into my pussy and ate like a monster. His head shook using his tongue along my clit. My body wanted to tremble. My toes started to curl. I felt his hand glide up my thigh and down between my legs. Parting my lips gently, he pressed two fingers right at my opening. Oh so badly I wanted to moan. I resisted, I couldn't let this beast win. He pushed his fingers slowly in. Each second was pure agony as I buckled down. He smiled and started pounding my pussy. I felt wetness gathering. I couldn't take it anymore. I moaned so loud.
"oh, give it to me just like that" I was breathing so hard. I felt my body tensing up with his hands rubbing rough. I was about to cum, when he stopped and pulled out his dick. faster than before he fucked my tight little hole. Every thrust, I bursted into ecstasy. I felt nothing so powerful drilling into my body. I screamed out with his one last punch. I felt his penis throb against my vagina. I trembled to the feeling.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Why I hate Skrillex...
It's just so predictable that a mainstream edgy kid would mix pretty melodelic eletronic music with the has-been screamo scence that we just went through for some kind of fame. He knew that his music would instantly attract all the gutter preppy hipster douchebags out there. I mean come on, for christ sakes, cut your hair and look like a real DJ. newfag faggot.
Great he also won 3 grammys. What is the world coming too?
His music just sounds like trash. It just sounds so MAINSTREAM! ugh, I hate it.
Douchebag music
THANK FUCKING GOD FOR PRODUCING SUCH FAGGOTARY!
My life is fucked
If this shit won three grammys
We're all doomed.
Beware.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Wasn't that the one I won in?
I've gone through many "phases" in my life. I never really knew what group I belonged in. I've tried preppy, nerd, indie, emo, scene, hippie, name it I've possibly tried it. I just went with the flow really. I'm realizing that I've changed quite a bit over the years. I'm that the same sixteen year old mindset anymore. She dressed how she wanted with rainbow eyes and weird hair. She was inspired and depressed.
The past always drags me down. It haunts me. Remembering all the good times I had, makes me want to change my attitude, I just have to accept that I'm changing each and everyday, older and wiser. Change is good with all the new experiences, adventures, and knowledge of the world. I'm still depressed, finding that my social life only consists of my never-hear-from-boyfriend, and my family. I'm slowly realizing that Shannon was my ray of sunshine. I was just so afraid to open up for this exact reason of getting hurt.
When the time actually came it didn't hurt, because I didn't open up. I didn't tell her how it made me feel unreal when her eyes sparkled, or how her smile made me melt. I never opened up, because she rejected me with her cold behavior towards me. I wanted her as my girlfriend, she wanted to be alone with her husband, but her husband wanted me as his wife. We all kept our feelings inside. Like secrets, it tore us apart. We were all afraid of how each other felt. Our own love for each other, broke us up. She wants a divorce now and I don't know why. We're all lonely inside. Mainly me, since I don't live there anymore.
"Two more months and you'll be home." He breathed as he kissed me goodbye. It feels like a lifetime.
Title
I'm starting to believe his words. The monster that he has me turned into. Thirst for more knowledge of the human behavior of this society. I'm finding out how people work inside their brain. We all don't think alike, but I believe that we share certain systems of how we think. If we are to think logically, emotionally, practically, all aspects of life according to the social situation.
There's so many cultures within the city's limit. From Indie to "Jersey Shore" fans, it's hard to believe that we all share the same system. We all breath, and live for a reason. We all have purpose, but at the same time... How are we the only humans in the Universe?
My mind races to thoughts that could potentially explode my brain. How did we know how to wheat into flour? Inventions freak me out. Where do they come up with their ideas? I can't imagine how scientists discovered atoms, or how cavemen made fire. This knowledge, Is there someone out there, or do the stars all have us on set paths such as destiny or fate?
Do I believe in destiny? I believe you can be destined to be apart of something, like a particular lifestyle. You get to choose your life, but the thoughts you think come for a reason.
Your birthday has a major impact on your personality, temper, and just how you perceive things.
Aries are impatient, restless, friendly, and loves to lead.
Taurus are independent to their emotions, secretive, detailed, and stable.
Gemini are very superficial, two-faced, adapt quickly and give honest advice.
Cancer are emotional, caring, and love to talk about anything.
Leos are encouraging, needy, but always brings the life to the party.
Virgos are picky, analyze every situation and perfectionists.
Libras are superficial, very posh, and solve social problems.
Scorpios are passionate, obsessive, and deep control freaks.
Sagittarius adventurous, unemotional, and completely honest.
Capricorns are here to help, very self disciplined, and nosy.
Aquarius are intellectual, inventive, and detached from Earth.
Pisces are lost followers who accepts everyone.
To be Continued...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Blackout!
[spoiler] BLACK OUT!!
Today from 8am to 8pm
Protest against SOPA and PIPA!!
SAY NO TO CENSORSHIP!! [/spoiler]
Thoughts That enter my mind...
everything i know is brought upon me
beyond the deep blue sea
origami
photo shop my life into another
pages of the book slowly uncover
Bitches aint shit but cliques and bows
my love for you is like a thousand rose
Open up and look inside
beats bump 808
set me straight
Fuck em to the side when you wanna roll
eyes to the sky, wanna load a bowl
my life has came I therorize
philosophically, that's the prize
Tears for this don't belong
Love is just enough to move along
to the beat within us, we will dance
Come closer to my voice, i'm seducing
Wanna playboy bunny in my lucy?
rainbow, stars, Dr. Suess
Ballet, ribbon, and grey goose
Threats from upstaires inside my mind
make me lose control, I'm here for the ride
The djs love for his music
The whole set is translucid
Hey cutie, what did you think of it?
wanna ride back with me after Jimni Cricket?
I wrote this song about you
I sung it so loud alone I turned blue
Penelope Wazoski is my favorite word
thanks to Riot and his crush on a nerd
Valentine, My love for you will never die
I keep my promises, I never lie
I keep jars on the window sill at night
for the times I think of you and cry, red light
I'm talking about glitter!
the ways it flitters as it shutters, and the butters in the sunners so bright bright bright
Move your body to the beat
don't rest, come test the heat
i need your body close to me
drip your sweat on top of thee
Be provactive, sex in the club
I'm a lady, dinner and a dub
Ben and Jerry's and a hug
X O X, Love you boo
haters gunna hate, Love you too
Name taste sweet, it's always in their mouth
Backstabber friends go down south
To my boyfriend's dick
It's the empire
Creator
neglection
reflection
Of a time where I was of knowing
the end
Sunday, January 8, 2012
If I'm so loved, then why do I still feel empty?
I tell myself time and time again to NOT feel this way. I hate the feeling where I'm questioning my motives, doubting my decisions, regretting my past. I desperately wish for a power switch. These thoughts NEED to GO AWAY! It's so frustrating and annoying to be constantly ran down by the same unanswered questions. What I'm doing with my life at the moment is none of my brain's concern. I'm trying to fucking live, and the little voice inside is fucking ruining it. That's not right, Jennifer. You should know better.
This relationship is driving me up the wall. All lies aside. Shannon is a psychotic bitch. She's easily angered, and will let you know by screaming top lung. The house has to be cleaned EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY and if it wasn't cleaned by her then it was cleaned wrong. She takes every word personally, which makes her mood swing faster than a baseball bat.
Chris is a slob. His teeth are never brushed. He never finishes his chores. His butt crack is always showing. If it isn't about him, he doesn't care.
But I'm in too deep now that I live with them.
Despite their major flaws, I still find them captivating.
The way Shannon's eyes glisten
They way Chris says "oh..."
How her foot finds mine in the morning
how safe I feel wrapped up in his arms
the softness of her lips
the burning of his eyes as he watches me sleep
her cute crooked smile
how nervous he makes me feel
how awkward all this is still
Dating for almost 3 months, and I still can't simply say a sentence to them
Scared and alone
How did I ever think it was okay to date a drug dealer?
and his wife?
and the three kids??
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Cute
Friday, December 2, 2011
Cousin Chat
- Didn't even know you were on
- Hey How's it going cousin??
- hey
- not much, gotta write up some stuff before one, but thats a ways away
- you'll never believe what i did yesterday
- It's in an hour!! Quick quick
- What did you do?
- It took me twelve hours, but I made an iron helmet from skyrim, paper mache and craft foam,
- the horns need some work, and I have yet to decal it up, but its awesome
- lmao. Wow, what nerds do with their spare time...
- It sounds pretty cool. haha
- im lookin for the link right now
- I'm just a hippie in my spare time lol
- this is some german kid
- he is like fifteen and really good at DIY propwork
- I felt like it was a challenge
- bein a hippie sounds a lot easier than this helmet making business
- It's a business? Looks like theater. What's that class called like stage...maker? lol. they build the props and whatnot. Those guys can make some cool buildings in like no time.
- It's amazing what they build.
- yah, no kidding,
- Lol I kept changing the topic.
- Yeah being a hippie is pretty chill.
- Does your helmet look like that? lol.
- it almost does
- i screwed up a little of the drybrush
- and the horns are pathetic right now
- but the rest is pretty solid
- I can get a picture of it up in a min or two i think
- Hmm Pretty crafty... I see that practicing on those dolls really paid off
- in the meantime
- this is your next project: lifelike creature reproduction
- MY next project?
- yep yep, dollwork did come to something
- well, the total of my talent
- equals a crappy iron helmet
- i figured you could make something more impressive
- You would need a sculptor
- I good in detail and in color. Shape and design are not my best skills
- So how does that grab ya?
- grab me?
- i can't think of any sculptors i know... Perhaps you need to go to some comicons/Radcon and find one.
- Grab you, like how does that sound
- lol, are you not a bit of country?
- yah, I mean I don't know what I would bring to the team
- but a sculptor
- and you on the fine detail
- plus i imagine you would love to do the model showing and some of the more impressive parts
- like base design etc
- sounds fun to me
- best christmas project ever?
- Haha maybe you can be the financial support.
- I don't know, What are you planning on building?
- Some sort of monster?
- i dont have any plans
- i just thought that last video was a ridiculous amount of work
- but the product is outstanding
- It is a lot of work. But it's worth it in the end, if you have the storage space lol
- not to mention all the trash bags you go through
- Yikes. Pollution!!!
- eh, its mostly newspaper
- Poor trees lol haha I'm jking. I'm not that much of a hippie.
- yah, turns out there's still lots of trees in siberia
- i was surprised
- all this rainforest conservation
- and 2/3 of the planets trees are in russia, or something like that
- I didn't know they didn't have trees. lol
- Well yeah, Russia is mainly a huge forest since the temperatures are freezing.
- yah, but still trees have to grow
- i feel like it would be pretty hard to make it to the whole grown tree stage
- i posted the photos!
- Hmm... Well... How did trees make it past the ice age? Don't plants just need water and sun? I don't think temperature plays a huge role into its development.
- besides of course tropical plants, or really enviro specific plants
- which, did you know, that the venus fly trap is not native to earth!!!
- It looks pretty good. I can see how the horns need a little more work.
- at least I'm pretty sure thats the one, anyway, there's this weird plant that only grows around this meteor crash site and is very resistant to extreme heat
- yah, ran out of tape
- Well, It's an alien plant. It moves all by itself, that's creepy
- See plants are weird.
- yes, yes they are
- I still don't think of them as living
- and yet...
- clearly they move and breathe and walk among us
- or something like that
- Yeah, flowers follow the sun.
- They are alive!! ahhh!!! lol
- pretty much my sentiments exactly
- The little green aliens are already here. lol
- and they eat our flies!
- oh wait, thats a good thing
- k, im takin off to do this little bit of work
- cya around
- maybe you'll start making skyrim helmets for everybody?... who knows
- it could be the start of something truly great
- Ahaha, I have a tie dye shop to open up in the spring. So, Maybe if i have time, I probably wont. lol But hey, This summer, we could make something. Good luck in school, ttys!
