Thoughts of the Season

Are all go-go dancers bitches? Seriously, get over yourselves. Like oh-mm-gee, I dance in my underwear. I'm friends with all the DJs, yet I'm too cool to say Hi. I have a kid, yet I'm out every night.     
Go get a real job. And Seriously, eat a cheeseburger! You're like the Scene Queens of Facebook. Where's the PLUR??

It's funny to think that in a billion years that the Earth will freeze over or implode on it's self. The sun will either explode, causing the earth to turn into a fireball. throwing us father into space. Earth will continually travel until it either lands into another galaxy's orbit or gets sucked into a black hole. If it lands into the orbit, depending on how close we are to a new sun we would re-evolve. If it goes into a black hole, Earth would eventually freeze over and implode itself.  


Technology is exploding before our eyes. Things are getting smaller, life is getting more virtual. Soon everything will be touch screened, running on electricity. Cars will run solely on electricity. Gas stations will no longer be needed. Parking lots would hold plug-ins for cars. Cars that run on voice command. Traveling across the US, in the matter of minutes. 


Soon we'd never leave our house, while we're busy living in our virtual world. As you would in Second Life. 

Food for thought

Autumn has just begun. School is underway. As I walk through the halls of my college, I find all genders fresh and crisp. Apples, I would call them. Pick one and bite into it. Discover the juice inside, bitter or sweet. Down to the core. We're all just fruit. All replaceable. Used for different purposes. Apple pies, apple butter, apple chicken, or by itself. Rotting daily. Growing daily. Organic or Fertilized. USDA approved. Grade A. 
We're all apples, good or bad. 

The Untold Truth

2011, has been quite a weird year. I don't know whether to feel weird by it or relieved. My dad got out of rehab, and everything has changed. I've spent many paychecks on marijuana. I've smoked so many times with my brothers now, and whenever we get free time, that's the first assumpumtion to do.


In May, my mom had surgery and I joked about getting some medicinal marijuana for her pain while I drove her to her appointment. I don't know if it was the anesthesia, but she agreed. Once we got home, Jon and Eric had it ready. We didn't have to hide it anymore. If we wanted to smoke, we could. Before our parents knew, we would always sneak out on the roof after they went to bed. We would only have one or two bowls out of a tiny concert pipe. Smoke a cigarette, then went straight to bed. Since then, we increased our intake to four or more bowls. Our collection of pipes has multiplied. They all serve a different purpose according to my brothers. Jon has the "Tentacle", which is shaped like an octopus tentacle. It holds a nice hefty size bowl, and isn't very harsh. He also has his tiny glass concert pipe. More for a straight to the head buzz and secrecy. I'm unsure of it's name. Eric has three pipes and a bong. His pipes are all harsh. I wake up the next day with a horrible sore throat, I never choose his pipes. His bong on the other hand, is smooth. It takes a pretty good size nug to pass it around a couple times. I got my pipe on my birthday. I call it "Ocean Profusion", because it has blue swirls and glitter much like the ocean. It's beautiful. It doesn't hold much though unlike the "Tentacle", but I don't need much to get stoned.


My brothers tell me that marijuana was made to enhance our lives to a more better, happier life. Every plant holds its purpose. Sounds like a bunch of hippie talk to me. It is organic, and takes a lot of TLC to produce high quality bud. It makes you forget your worries, and just live for the time being. Which makes me wonder, if God really made it for a purpose, then it would be the same about shrooms and peyote. That's why no one has heard of anyone overdosing on these organic plants. There's a reason for everything.

The Only exception

The story with Jessy is complicated...
Whenever I'm with him, I still get those butterflies like when I was always with him. But it's different. I'm over the sad part that we broke up.

I'm listening to this song in the dark, trying to dream of Jessy as I fall asleep. And I was picturing him and getting a montaige of all his quirky smiles and his big green eyes. All the quirks I love, trying to spark emotion. A tear or two, but nothing. Not because I didn't care, it's because it wasn't time yet. I'm half way fallen in love. Right between heaven and earth. Come with me, take my hand. We'll go to the skies. Float on clouds. I'll take you away. haha. Anthem Trance. :D

This shall be good, I never told you.
Nah, This is Christian's song.....
Even though, Christian is really good in bed and sexy as hell!! I know I'm not the one for him.
Aw, Swing life away... His favorite song.
Then again, He's really smart and has his redneck tendencies, that makes me feel like home :)
Oh my gosh, It's almost 5am... hahaha
One more song memory.
Polygraph, Right now.
All my Life.

Anyways. as i was saying... Jessy and I both agree that we still love each other, but more like a caring love not a in love. That we both would have to work to fall back in love. He's not sure if it's worth the effort of work. I don't see what he's afraid of though. I'm ready whenever he is ready. I wouldn't have planned the wedding if i wasn't serious.

Being the one the forks in his road, makes me feel slightly empty. I don't know what to do. I just can't wait til he decides which fork he wants to take. Yet, I don't want to make myself unavailable if he needs me. For a ride, a cig, anything. I'm here for him. I bought a pack right before I saw him when he asked for a cigarette and always try to give him a couple as I leave.

Complicated.

Perfection

She's completely what I didn't want. A butchy sporty girly
Manly girl. I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning when I liked her girlfriend first. Jessica made her seem like the clingy type. I've heard so much bad things about Emily.
The first time I met Emily, radiance and glow surrounded her. She dressed in tight men jeans and a regular t shirt.
She was simply adorale with the moonlight shining down on her little round cheeks.
The next few dates i was overwhelmed with butterflies. It's been a couple years since
I've tried this whole lesbian relationship. I hinted so many times to get closer to her. And eventually steal that first kiss.
Maybe she's my angel that I've needed err since those boys ruined my love
Life. She actually wants to wait before we get into the dirty things. I respect her dicision but my body
Disagrees and needs to be caressed. Even when she just places her hand on my thigh I melted. I'm so deprived. I can't hold it
Any longer.
Waiting does have its perks. Like a simple kiss left me smiling for hours. And left me a
Haze of happiness. And the anticipation is building up to see her again.
:)

Bottom

Have you ever fell to the bottom of the well? Where the whole world never made any sense and your eyes were never so useless in your life. Words didn't mean a thing. Stuck in wonderland. Head spins begin and you lose your gut in your back seat. Plans that you had fell out the window. Disappointed friends. Dizzy feeling arrives. Lights are so blinding. 'oh god, are you okay?' is all you can hear. My voice appears to dissapear. My muscles are jello. You've really out done yourself this time, Jennifer. You spent all that time with your makeup and your hair just to be slouched in the backseat feeling like the worse sack a shit. Time slowed, which was always expected. But this was not expected.
Rock bottom.

Jelly Belly

Your just like an angel. in a beautifil worls and i'm a creep life is so herd I can't think when i type it's so fucking hard to type i can type perfectly when i claose nmy eyes and don't tgink aboyt it but ehrn i yhink sbnougt it it makes it diffivult ti toe i can;t ecpkaubn giwe tguis feek sje gead feel sanacubg U fibt; bekibg gere Ugh this is going to be head to read later

song switch

Here comes those eyes

me head feels amazing let me enjoy it,,,,

3 2 1 ear candy

The music vibrates within me

Reece, us dancing to collide take my mind back to see it perfectly

feelings

Text:

Tell you are awake

yes

:) I've been thinking about you lately

oh? Explain?

There;s not much to explain

please go on

okay, i don'tknow why we keep playing this back forth flirt thing

menither. solution?

well obvisoulsy we like each other,,, i mean how can you not like me

oh your so humble

humble? how>

it was a joke. keep going

oh like sarcasm... lol. okay i'm going to be straight stop pussy footing around and do something about it

What do you want me to do about it?! I could gave you the same advise

You know exactly what to do

no i don't

don't ppl usually dat after something like that

I'm curious

Why is it so difficult to fall in love with the idea of a broken heart?

Soulmate.

The feelings I get when I'm with you are electric. My knees are weak when your lips press against mine. My stomach drops when I see you enter the room. My heart swoons when you look into my eyes. Your voice is soothing and relaxing. Your laugh is contagious. Your smile makes everything okay.

The feelings I get when I'm around someone else is dull. My mind wanders when they're kissing me. I'm awkwardly stiff and they are suddenly bland and boring. There's no swooning, weak knees, or electric feelings. They are suddenly a pest. Texting and IMing me every chance they got. It's so annoying. I feel nothing for these guys and yet I still go back to them. Maybe I'm trying to feel something, but knowing that I've already found him keeps me from feeling that way towards another one.

Scars

One cigarette at a time. Smoke lingers on my skin. Breathe in, and breathe out. That's what we were taught. Pain fades with time. Nausea sets in.

Somehow I can't handle. The slits on my wrists show everything.

It shows that I'm weak. That I can't handle a simple broken heart.

Even though, time and time again, I've felt this way before.

Love always got the best of me.

Cut

Something triggers my mind

A word, a phrase, an action

Once it crosses my mind I have to

I race up into my room

Frantically I search for my tool

Something sharp

a needle, scissors, anything

It's in my hand

Pressure against my wrist

"Your a fucking cunt, you don't deserve to live"

More pressure

"How can you be so stupid!"

Pain rushes through my arm

It dissolves

"I want to die"

I move down my arm

There's many lines now

I press the razor deep into my skin

Hoping for blood to seep around it

It's not working

I lightly carve into the pressured lines

I finally see blood

Tears fall

"No one cares about me"

More tears

I slowly lose grip and let the razor fall

the wounds sting

I hold my arm against me

Wishing everything would go away

Wishing it was over

Living With Bipolar

The major thing is I'm glad is that all the testing is finally over. So it's not seizures, or just depression. Which I wish it was just depression. But no, I get to have a disorder. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I don't want to be medicated. I don't want to have Bipolar. People will think i'm psycho if I told them I'm bipolar. I get to live with this virus for the rest of my life. It's unfair to Jessy to put him through all the mood swings. It's unfair to myself to feel up and down all the time. I wish I was just normal and stable. My emotions get the best of me. I hate myself so much. It brought my self-esteem to the ultimate low. It doesn't help that I've gained 10lbs. I just wish I was dead sometimes. Everything would be much better if I was gone.

My brain constantly hurts. When I started taking this medicine, the little voice in my head was gone, but as of today she's slowly coming back. As for the mood swings are slowly swinging. Medication doesn't help.

Day 1

15 BOLD and DARING facts:

1. I don't think I'll ever get over my first crush.
2. I'm a kid at heart, and I love acting five.
3. I get jealous really easily.
4. I still suck my thumb when I can't sleep
5. I used to be anorexic and eat about 300 calories a day
6. I'm Bi-polar.
7. I'm, also, Bi-sexual.
8. I worry over the smallest things.
9. I suck at arguments
10. I'm a big flirt
11. I don't know what I'm good at.
12. I'm lost in my own little world.
13. I have 3 different personas.
14. I have to be perfect at everything I do.
15. I can't disappoint a friend.

The Challenge

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with 15 facts

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your night

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10- A Photo of You in a Favorite Outfit

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A photo of your favorite film(s)

Day 17 - A photo of you as a baby. A year old.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture and a letter

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 31 - A picture of yourself

Pondering...

Love is like a puzzle. Everyone approaches it differently. They could find the corners first. Or connect all the sides or they can be brave and start at the center

Here's to the Holidays

Jennifer’s Christmas Letter

Season Greetings,

2010 has brought me a plethora of highs and lows. I started the year unemployed and not attending college. I registered for college to start back up again about the second week of January. I was single at this so I went on my on occasion date. Since I broke up with Christian, I was taking it slow to find my next beau. I hung out with Sarah and Eleni, my best friends, everyday. We’d always have sleepovers every weekend. We’d go to Winco and stalk some friends. We’d always get Taco Bell and prank called everyone in our contacts.

In February, I saw my favorite band live in concert. The day of, my so-called-friend was supposed to drive us to Portland to see Mayday Parade. Long story short, a distant friend was also headed to the concert took my brother and I. I had a great time. I got a spot right next to the stage. The lead singer held my hand and sang to me. Mom and Mike were there to pick us up afterwards so I didn’t get to meet the band. There’s always next time…

Months flew by and I turned 19. A few days before my birthday, I met my fiancé, Jessy. For all that don’t know Jessy went to Pasco High with me and graduated the same year. He’s that boy that I always passed by between classes. I will admit that I had a HUGE crush on him. We never talked until I added him on Facebook that same day and turns out that he had a huge crush on me too. Then they lived happily ever after.…

I finally landed a job at Charbonneau. I worked as a waitress and served to retired elders. It was a nice job and the people were mostly great. I’d sometimes get the grumpy folk. My friend worked there, and made the day go by much faster. Even though, we only work two hours at a time.

As June crept up, I was slowly losing my motivation to be a nurse. It brought on a lot of stress. I was in constant worry to figure out what I’m good at to turn into a career. The overload of stress and anxiety made my health worse. At the end of June, I visited the ER twice because of “seizures”. I was starting to see the doctor weekly. I had all kinds of tests done to a sleep study to a CAT scan. (or MRI I’m not sure) All the doctors couldn’t figure out what was going on. They assumed it’s just depression and anxiety.

In July, the whole family went to the beach. While I was there, my new employer called me. The following week I was employed to Kohl’s. I started doing Ad Set. I went in at around 8PM to scan and change all the price signs. We’d usually have a group of five people doing about three departments each. After the first night, my supervisor came up to me and told me that I was doing great for my first day. Since then, I’ve been getting great recognition for my work.

In August, I had wisdom teeth removed. The night before, I went to Spokane with Sarah and Eleni to see Brad Paisley in concert. He was not particularly my favorite genre of music, but I must say the light show was amazing! We had to rush home, so I could make my morning appointment. I don’t remember the surgery very much. They pulled me back and set me up to the IV. Next thing I knew, I was awake and heading home. I recovered in two days and was able to eat regular food.

In September, I had surgery to remove my tonsils and adenoids. I was excited to finally have them out. They were so huge that I couldn’t breathe properly and I snored at night. Jessy held my hand before they took me in the surgery room. When I woke up, I immediately felt the soreness in my throat. The nurses always made sure that I had a popsicle in my hand and my cup was full of water. I had to stay there for about three hours while the anesthesia wore off. I felt so loopy and tired. Once I got home, I took my pain medicine and slept. I recovered within a week, but still ate soup and popsicles. The doctors were right, it was the worst sore throat I had. My mom took care of me and made sure I had everything I needed. She documented when I took my medicine just like a professional. She even bought me a special lounge pillow for the recovery. That’s why I love my mommy.

In October, I was on my first prescription of antidepressants. The doctors finally made up their minds and assumed it was depression and anxiety. Towards the end of October, Jessy and I took a trip to Seattle for the weekend. We went to a rave to see a DJ he likes. We danced the night away and met odd people. We walked around Seattle and Redmond walking in and out of stores and just enjoyed the city.

In November, the antidepressants weren’t working. I was put on a different antidepressant and at the end of November those weren’t working either. My doctor told me that I might have Bi-polar. I’m still haunted by what he said. I have to go to another doctor to get tested. As soon as I know, I’ll let you know. I worked my first black Friday at Kohl’s. It was crazy but the day went by so much faster. I rather have everyday be like that. I finally got to go to bed after being up for 30 hours. A few days later, Jessy and I finished our Christmas card and sent it out.

Christmas is just around the corner and with all this student loan debt (my mom is the bank), I hope to get everyone a gift.

Until then with love,

Jennifer Lynn

I feel like I'm a spinning top, losing my mind. Thought after thought. Worry after worry. I need better medication

Torn Between Three Worlds.

When I attended high school, I hit many obstacles that I'm sure many other students will face through years to come. These obstacles weren't whether I got good grades, or my attendance was perfect. It was about who I was as a person. Year by year, we try to figure out who we are, and what makes us fit in into this world.

There I was attending a new school with no familiar faces. My chance to start over and give them a different impression. I decided to try to become popular, which was my dream in middle school. I tried that for about half a year. I realized popularity isn't what it's cracked up to be. Who wants to get up early to be that perfect doll-face, spend hundreds of dollars on brand clothing, and starve to get that skinny little body. It just wasn't me.

My favorite color became black. That's the only thing I wore for the next few years. I dressed as my closet threw up on me. I didn't care much of what people thought and because of that I became more careless of myself. I slipped into a deep depression. I didn't know if I was really depressed or just the clique I chose to join rubbed off on me. My jacket that I wore everyday became my best friend. It hid cuts and scars. Love was my new obsession. Heart break after heart break. Tear after tear. My grandpa once told me that I scared him when I was like that. I should have know when people called me things like scary, goth, and intimidated.

My love for colors grew. When I'm around a rainbow of colors, I'm content. Life without colors is dull and boring. I dropped my dark life. My social life was depleting by the second. I attended three schools. I thought being a nerd was the coolest thing in the world. Boys loved that I knew about Star Wars, and that I played video games. That I was more than just hair and makeup. That I actually had a brain in there.

I've been apart of everything. Which to stick with, time will only tell. I pass through other girls' profiles and get so jealous that they've stuck with one thing. That tan bombshell, the sexy goth pin-up, and the college girl.

Am I truly unique to be apart of everything or am I just torn between three worlds?

Peek-a-boo

Hot pink! Electric green. Neon blue. Rainbow vomit,everywhere! My eyes are blinded by all the bright colors. Closed eyes, I still see it just like it was two minutes ago. Soft music plays in the background. On the ceiling, a heart mobile hangs. The glitter glistens against the light. The felt hearts barely move. My heart races. The air is stale now. Frozen with sweat. Time ticks. I blink and space blurs, focusing on a photo. I'm laughing with my two best friends. The sun kisses my skin as
we joke about easier times. The river behind us is inviting. A line of sweat drips down my face. My knees become weak, I need to sit. The floor is chilling compared to my flooded palms. I'm relived for a moment, chased with a overwheming flash of heat. My heart is throbbing. My head aches. Pounding noises ring in my head. The pressure is too much. I think back to a vacation months back. Staring into the ocean horizon, my thoughts were empty but meaningful. Waves crashing against my feet as I walked towards the end of earth. Pain goes away with each step. Worries subside as my mind is filled with peace. A smile finds a way to my mouth. It's cracked and seeping bigger. A giggle sneaks out. I remember when you thought you could change me. Laughing like a fresh joke was in the air. I've simply lost my mind. Twirling, spashling water, and collecting all the cream. If the candy man can, I can too.

I'm slowly losing grip on this motivation train.

Currently in my life, I have been trying to figure out what I want to major in. I thought I knew that my passion was nursing, but recently and new thinking has me feeling that I'm not a nurse. That's not who I am. I'm not interested in that field. I just wanted to be like my grandmother. Everyone always said, Good for you to know what you want to be this early, but now I'm at a crossroad. As I'm finishing up my AA degree, classes required for nursing are so hard to get in. They fill up so fast. I'm slowly losing grip on this motivation train.

I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I'm really interested in. Career tests are no help either. They all say I should be a nurse.

I just don't know anymore. There's just nothing I'm great at.

Ecstasy

My boyfriend handed me half a tablet of the purple pistol and a bottle of water. He looked away for a second, while I swallowed the pill. We were just sitting there watching a movie while waiting for his best friend and his brother came over. He told me to walk around that will help me to digest the pill faster. He warned me that I'll start to feel funny in about a half hour or so. He told me that I shouldn't freak out, just take deep breaths. About ten minutes later, his friends arrive. They start setting up the rave lights and music. Not to mention the fog machine. While waiting for the pills to kick in, we set off a dry ice bomb and smoke cigarettes. My boyfriend's pill kicks in at this moment and he's having the time of his life rolling around on the floor feeling the carpet. He kept asking me if I felt funny yet, and I answered no, not yet. At one point, my water bottle in my hands became so interesting to me. The weight of the water going up and down felt so foreign to me. He got me a cup of orange juice to help kick the pill up. Within ten minutes, he asked if I felt funny yet, and I started giggling. He knew. He took my hand and he wanted me to feel everything in sight. We layed down in front of the couch and he told me to feel the velvet couch. I said oh my godd, it feels like butter, Chocolate Butter. I felt as if I was a dragon. or a cat. I keep running in the kitchen feeling so light and floating, I would hid around the corners and crawl on my hands and knees. Rubbing my hands together felt electric. I'd run into my boyfriend's friend and give him hugs and just attack him and feel his body. We'd all lay on each other, and I would see my boyfriend and his friend kissing. He asked me what I would think if he kissed his friend, I told him I would join him. He grabbed my hair and pulled me closer to his friend as if to kiss him, and as soon as I got close enough he pulled me back and said no, your my women. When my boyfriend got up and went somewhere else, His friend and I were alone and I got really close to him and kissed him. He kissed me back and we made out. From that point on, I was obsessed with his kisses, I just wanted more. If my boyfriend left us again, I'd attack his friends for those juicy kisses. Don't get me wrong I love my boyfriend, the pill just made me want to love and kiss everyone.

Happy Monthaversary!!

Dear my beloved Jessy,

I've only been with you for a month, but I feel like we've known each other forever. You always tell me that we meet each other on a whole other level and I get that. I love when I give you a certain look, you know exactly what I'm thinking. Your mind runs a thousand miles per hour, and the thinks you say leave me mind-exploded. I love when you make me laugh. Especially when you give that look. Speaking of your look, I love when you look at me like I'm the only girl you see. Those green eyes leave me speechless every time I look into them. What do I love about you? Everything. When you answer the phone all excited to talk to me, it makes me smile so big. When you hold me in your arms, it makes me feel so safe. When you listen to music that was long off the charts a decade ago, makes me feel so less dorky that I love that music too. Believe me when I say, I've never been happier.

I love you always,
your beautiful angel

I've gotta stop these feelings

They always appear when I start having a relationship. Deep down, I start to get to this feeling like there's and anchor holding down my heart. It drags me down. Even though, I'm happy to be with this person. They're my everything. So perfect. These feelings always get in the way. Before I just let them show, I let them see the real me. I'd just sit there, staring off into space. The room would feel so loud and empty. I imagine that if I just sit there, they'd go away eventually, but boys are so clueless and don't take the hint. They try to cheer me up, fix things, and stay. Which the matters worse. They go in for a hug, I pull away. They ask what's wrong, I ignore them. I hate these feelings. This won't happen again. I won't show him this side of me. I won't be depressed. Not this time.

Jessy Mendoza

There's always that one person throughout high school, where you pass them in the hallway all the time and you have this huge crush on them. Throughout High school, there was this boy named Jessy Mendoza. I would see him coming towards my direction and everything stopped working and rushed at the same time. We would always look at each other, but nothing more. I would always sit in the student services when I had an extra hour. His mom works the desk, so he would come in sometimes. He would look at me, but just continue with what he was doing. I didn't know what he thought of me. I just knew that he was the cutest thing in the world. A couple months ago, I was at CBC walking with my friends, and there he was walking towards my direction. My heart stopped. On Facebook, He was in my friend suggestions, and I added him. He added me within minutes and he started texting me. We finally shared our secrets that we had crushes on each other since high school. We were so in sync. On Tuesday after his work, he picked me up. It felt so natural. We'd stare into each other's eyes and kiss each other. He told me, How did you get to be so perfect? I told him, I could ask the same thing about you. We both thought where have you been all my life? He asked me to be his girlfriend, and for the first time in my life my answer was not sure. He answered my prayer below.

"Please pick me up. Keep my mind off this. Show me life can get better. I just want someone to turn to. To stop these tears, and begin the laughs. I want that old rush again. Crushes crush me. Hookups leave me cold. I want something pure. I want to call it my own. I want to be on your mind all the time. I want you to be on mine. I want you to be as caring as me. I want to look in those green/blue eyes and feel so safe. I want it to be elementary again. Where your smile plays in my head all day. I want you to blush whenever I tell you how cute I think you are. I want you to be there whenever I need you. I want you to want me. I want you to love me. Where holding my hand, satisfies your needs. I want your voice to be soothing as you sing me to sleep or as you tell me stories as I lay on your chest. I want you to make all the other girls jealous that I have you. I want you to call me gorgeous and cute. I want your kisses to be amazing that I never want to stop. I want you to be strong enough to tell me no when we go to far. I want you to be you. I'm not asking for much. Just for that one somebody. Whose into me as much as I'm into them."

Somebody,

Please pick me up. Keep my mind off this. Show me life can get better. I just want someone to turn to. To stop these tears, and begin the laughs. I want that old rush again. Crushes crush me. Hookups leave me cold. I want something pure. I want to call it my own. I want to be on your mind all the time. I want you to be on mine. I want you to be as caring as me. I want to look in those green/blue eyes and feel so safe. I want it to be elementary again. Where your smile plays in my head all day. I want you to blush whenever I tell you how cute I think you are. I want you to be there whenever I need you. I want you to want me. I want you to love me. Where holding my hand, satisfies your needs. I want your voice to be soothing as you sing me to sleep or as you tell me stories as I lay on your chest. I want you to make all the other girls jealous that I have you. I want you to call me gorgeous and cute. I want your kisses to be amazing that I never want to stop. I want you to be strong enough to tell me no when we go to far. I want you to be you. I want a country background in your life. Maybe that comes with a southern drawl? I'm not asking for much. Just for that one somebody. Whose into me as much as I'm into them.

Marijuana

Why am I so stuck on this day? I sit and replay every moment I could possibly remember. Soon enough, It all becomes a blur. The movements, the tears, the words. I can't even think right now.

Was i out of line? Did i say something way too honest to make you run and hide like a scared little boy?

Epiphany

Looking back on my Journals, I was really unfair with Love. I liked one guy on Monday then Friday comes and I'm into another guy. I've led a lot of people on. I got up and ran when something good was coming my way. I always looked in the dark alleys for my love interests. Some one who was bad. Some one who pushed me around, but could end up sweet at the end of the day.

Leo was my very first boyfriend. He was so perfect, and I just let him go. For what? A rockstar who couldn't keep his hands to himself who eventually left me for another girl when I didn't give it up. Who drastically altered my life after that. He made me think that virginity wasn't a gift. Anything but that. It made me run into the arms of any guy that would take it. He made me believe that my virginity was a disease. I just wanted to get rid of it. After that, tragedy after tragedy occurred. That guy left me for another girl. I ran to whoever was available and fell so hard for Tyler. Five months later, he left me for another girl.

I refused boys for awhile and turned into a lesbian. Dated a girl who five months later left me for another girl. I ran again to whoever was available. Christian. My first real true love. I was tired of everyone leaving me. I didn't want the broken heart anymore. I didn't want to be crushed. I went behind his back with cheap thrills. I craved those "new butterflies". Unfortunately, Christian couldn't give me those feelings again. It wasn't fair to him at all. I really did care for him. That's why I told him all the truth. The truth was too much for him to bear. I tried to fix things. The cravings were just too strong for me. I wanted him to yell at me, put me in my place, and let me make it up to him. The addiction grew and he had enough. During the three months, deep regret and guilt overwhelmed me. I wanted to fix things...

So the story goes that he left me for another girl.

But what I'm realizing, reading back on my journals, that I'm finding myself falling back in love with Leo. To actually give him that chance he never really got back in high school.
You see, Butterflies start to rush every time I see his name light up on my phone.
Memories of his smile and green eyes run through my mind all day.
And how he says my name so soothing to my ears...
Jeeennnnnniiiifffeeerrrr

It started with Leo... It might very well end with him.
Your right Christian, Nice boys do finish last.

Added to July 2010:
Leo is just like all the rest. I suppose after I broke his heart, he changed. After that thrill of him, I just kept my heart open. Single was looking good for awhile. I had so much on my mind anyways. I had my friends, my education, and that career to find. It was nice to go out and not have to worry about breaking some one's heart. I could be as selfish as I wanted to be. I wasn't a beggar, so I could be a chooser. I wasn't looking for some schmuck, just so I didn't face the fact that I was alone. God knows I wasn't alone. I was just honestly picky for once. I mean sure, I went through a cowboy stage, and "went out" with a few guys, but turns out they're not for me. I was just dazed.

I've took risks before, on contacting people, but this was different. I don't even know how to put it. A twist in my story. I've had all the guys I've ever wanted, but this was different. There's always that one guy, but you never know how to strike up a conversation. You never have class with them, or don't share friends, or never happen to be next to each other at a school event. Just share glances on the way to class. I simply added him and one thing led to another. Now were planning to get married.

For once, I don't want to be with anyone else. I find myself falling deeper in love everytime I'm with him. Typeing that, makes me smile and that's all I need. :)

Baby Blue Eyes...

Just when life seems okay, I'm turned around and all alone.

I'm staring at the phone...

I'm driving to nowhere...

I'm laying alone...

It's the songs that get to me. "Who I am hates who I've been..." "Don't say goodbye..." "Dance with me one last time" "Quit crying your eyes out, baby" "I had to give you away.."

If this is Karma, I'm living it to the fullest everyday.

I've tried sucking all the poison out, but what I've done is sucked the life out of me.

Jennifer Lynn is no more.

She's dead...

No more baby blue eyes.

They've turned gray

Guys are all Jerks

I will no longer make excuses for why you didn't text back, or why you bailed on me and then later blame your friends for not hanging out with me.

You ALL ARE JERKS.

It doesn't take that much effort to text back.

When you tell me I'm the only one you want, or when you become single just to hang out with me.

It's all a lie.

When you say you'll always love me and that you'll always be there for me.

It's all a lie

Talk is cheap.

Your promises are shit.

Meaningless.

Why do you feel the need to lead me on?

If it's not going to happen then don't talk about it happening.

I'm so done with guys hitting on me just to get me in their pants.

They don't even ask if I even want the sex or not.

I hate that they lead me up to their room and over power me.

It's not fair. It's fucking bullshit.

You're all the same. I'm done.

Sleeping Beauty and Prince Cowboy

Once upon a time, there was a sophomore girl named Jennifer. She had this class called Tech Lit. It was your basic computer class. The girl lived her life as an emotional hopeless romantic. She wished everyday to fall in love. That very day she sat down next to a boy. She heard about this boy before. Her friends all tried to set her up with this boy. Her friends dated his friend. She only heard him in stories. All good things.

As each day went on, they shared class assignments and got lost in their own world filled of laughter. They started hanging out more and more at lunch. It was one day, when they were hanging out with his friends that one of them asked if they were dating. The girl replied a quick no as Leo nodded his head behind Jennifer. After lunch, Jennifer and Leo walked in the hallway. He turned to face Jennifer. "Will you be my girlfriend?" He proclaimed. "Sure..." Jennifer replied. "Sure? What does that even mean?!" He asked. "Yes, then." She answered.

Jennifer's next class was Math. It was where Hell took place. The devil himself as a classmate. Ryan Hubbs is what he called himself. His high sex appeal drew her in. His words melted her. She could've died if he wanted that, but he didn't want her for that. He wanted to trick and deceive her. He pulled her in to let her watch her world crumble around her. Two days later, she broke up with Leo, and fell for the devil's quest.

A week is all he needed to crush poor Jennifer's heart. He ran off with her affection and her untouched lips. She never heard from Leo again.

Three years later, Jennifer is sitting up in here room looking through her old journals. She comes across Leo's phone number and gets the the nerve to text it. It was about one in the morning, so she didn't expect a text back from the number that night. She went to bed full of wonder and memories as she drifted off to sleep. When morning sunshine peeked through her blinds, her eyes opened. Her ritual routine was to automatically check her phone for missed texts. To her surprise, the number texted her back confirming it was Leo and asked who it was. They immediately hit it off, getting to know each other all over again.

He invited her over to hang out at his place on the upcoming Saturday. As she drove over to his house, she got nervous with each block. When she turned onto his road, she called him up to make sure she didn't pass it. While she was talking to him, she passed his house and he told her to reverse up the whole block to his house. Which made her more nervous to drive backwards up the street, but she managed. Once she got to his house, he greeted her at her door with a giant hug. He looked the same as of three years ago. The first thing she noticed was his cowboy attire. He was everything she ever imagined. He was something different. He wore tight wranglers, worker's boots, a red flannel, and topped off with a cameo hat. He brought her around the bonfire and introduced his friends to me. There was four others. His friend, Tyler, remembered me from the past and told me how different I looked in a good way. He was way past drunk as he danced around the flames to the country music from the radio. Leo and Jennifer sat and stared at the fire, too shy to speak. He looked up at her smiling face and asked if she was bored yet. She shook her head and said it was better than being stuck at home. He smiled back.

About a half hour passed by. Leo stood up and said "Let me give you a tour of the house." She followed him into the dark garage into the house. He took her straight up the stairs to his room. That's when he looked back at her, and she caught the glisten in his green eyes. She always thought that his eyes were brown, but at that moment she grew more attraction to him. She almost buckled her knees to the discovery. He pulled her from the hallway into his arms to his room. He slid his arms around her and went in for a kiss. They backed up and he gently lowered to the bed. The grace blew her away. Everything about Leo was mind-boggling. His style, his voice, his eyes, and his hospitality. Laying there with him, made her feel so safe. It was probably his bulging biceps and his wash-board abs that made her feel that way. She already felt so comfortable while they laid and shared past memories. She never wanted the night to end. She attacked him with kisses, and he held her so tight.

The clock was about to strike midnight, and we all know what happens when it strikes midnight. Leo took her by the hand and led her out to her car. They held each other for the last time and ended it with a passionate kiss. "Take care, now." The soothing country voice was music to her ears. She hardly could get into her car, her knees melted so much. She drove off smiling.

To Be Continued...

Phil Bowman

What can I say...

Breath Taking, Literally.

It started out in a elevator in 2007. The connection was there way before we even knew each other. The facts are apparent. Reece is his cousin. Everyone can assume the saying, "If you can't him, go for his brother" or cousin in this instance. What is amazes me, is that I didn't even know they were related when I was attracted to him. I just saw him across the baseball field in that Misfits t-shirt, and baseball pants. He was official. I just wore a tight shirt and very short shorts. Pigtails and a cute smile. Seemed to work so I'm never complaining. That was the summer where our eyes met and never left each other. Where we talked during and after dinner for hours. Where our youth group went bowling and we just talked in the lobby. Where I was too gazed to get his number and he left the next morning for Spokane. I thought I would never see him again. That is until Convention came nine months later....

My intentions were fully on Reece. He saw that, and didn't care. Reece was a someone. He was busy in meetings and practices. That left us nobodies (Phil and I) alone to talk. While I was set on Reece, Phil was right there by my side waiting with me for Reece to get out of these meetings. We spent three long days together. On the last night, sparks finally flew between us and we shared our first kiss in the elevator. It couldn't just be anywhere. The security was watching. The elevator was the only place where two people were alone for a few heavenly seconds. It was right before we both got ready for the grand banquet. It was all I needed to be giddy all night. I rushed and got in my formal and redid my makeup. I wanted to look gorgeous and I wanted to see him again. I remember walking down the stairs and at the bottom there he was watching me. He was so handsome. He smiled. I got to the bottom and he handed me a flower. If we weren't watched I know he would have kissed me like no tomorrow. He then escorted me to the grand banquet like the perfect gentleman. Our tables weren't even close to each other. The whole time I tried to look him, but through the millions of heads I couldn't spot his. I waited outside the doors after the banquet for him. On the tables there were Hotwheels for the theme of the Convention, and to make up for us not going to the ice cream social he handed me a ice cream truck hotwheel. It was perfect. We headed toward the grand ball. We sat at tables, both too nervous to dance. I saw Reece and he asked me to slow dance. I took his hand and Phil didn't mind. He knew he was better than Reece.

The dance with Reece was not magical. I tried so hard to pull him close for a kiss. Our first kiss. He pulled away. I pulled again. "Jen, no. They are watching." Always the excuse. I tried again. He broke away from the dance and left. I never saw him again that night.

Phil took my hand and we danced. We danced until we got bored. We left to the elevators... He told me to meet him at the spot after we change back into casual. Around 2am we were all alone in a huge hotel. What do two lonely teens do after everyone else goes to bed? Exactly. We didn't go too far. We were in a hallway. We stayed out til the sun came up. The morning we never got to say goodbye. Everyone was rushing to check out. His goodbye was through text. I never knew when I was going to see him again.

We both went on with our lives. Having each other in the back of our minds.

Two weeks ago, He texted me. Right when he went through my mind, his text came up. He told me that he was coming down in two weeks for his sister's soccer game and that he wants to hang out with me to do all the cutesy couple stuff.

About a few days before he comes down, he had to take his dad's Harley out for a spin and get grounded. He still came down and I still got to see him. If you think sneaking around a hotel while he leaves every few minutes to check on his family as seeing him. He was grounded, and couldn't do much. Sure we snuck a few kisses here and there, a few "I missed you so much", a few embraces, a few "You've grown so much"... It only felt like I held on to him for a second.

He says he'll come down next month to make it up to me.

Next year, he said that while I'm up there for college, he will visit me almost everyday. That he is going to be the best boyfriend I ever had. That he only wants me. That I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen...

If he only knew...

I've become a pessimist about love.

If it all comes true... Then... I guess...

I'll thank God.

Let's Call Quits

I've been dragging my feet around for the past three months now. Well let me tell you.. My feet fucking hurt. They are torn up, bled out, and bruised black. It's time to put them back up on my pedestal. It's time to be taken care of again. There's no use getting through to you. You're a brick wall. Brick by boring brick. I've huffed. I've puffed. I've cried. I've begged. Nothing.

Enough is enough. You have lost this opportunity. There are mannyyy mannyyy boys just like you, and they are all knocking at my door. For weeks, I've been hiding in this bed not letting them in.

It's hard to say, but I've met someone. She understands my situation and we deeply care about each other. From the first day I met her, we've had this deep connection. I believe she can make me a better person. I like the fact that she is very spiritual and religious. I love the fact that she is just like Ellen Page and Avril. I love the fact that she makes jewelry too. I love that we don't need anything to entertain us to be together. We just need each other. I love that "energy" that we both know what we're thinking and it doesn't even need to be said. I can't wait to get to know her more.

Sigh... And she is a Taurus! A stubborn taurus. She took me to another dimension and it felt great. The bracelet she gave me still amazes me that it originally was just a wire. Thank you Jesus for telling me to walk across the room at that party to introduce myself and to spend the whole night at her side. Thank you for all you've done.

Here's to the future and what it will bring

Part of me will not give up on my precious Christian. I love him dearly. I miss everything about him. From his shaggy hair to his dirty toes. He will find his way back, I can feel it. We belong together. We were meant to be. Sure I screwed up, because I wasn't listening to my heart, to my Jesus and let the devil take over and make sins. I repent those sins.

The whole ordeal has left me dull. I no longer get horny. Any person who brings up sex, I get disgusted. It has left me with so much regret, that I don't even want to have sex with anyone. I don't enjoy flirting. Talking about it, just pisses me off really. Like right now, I'm starting to feel rage just thinking about sex. Smoking pot just makes it worst. The people that I smoke with try to get me in the sack. It pisses me off so much. Guys that hit on me, It's just annoying. It's plain ridiculous. Human beings are suppose to be sexual. Here I am, not. That pisses me off. Sex pisses me off. It's meaningless. No one truly cares anymore. They all just want to get laid. Feelings are no longer involved.

No one has made me cry during sex like Christian has. That sex has meaning. That sex has feeling. I truly care about him.

You can see the two parts of me in this blog.

Part one: Give up, Move on. Look at all the people that want you.

Part two: He's coming back. Just one more week. Those people don't care

Part one: He seems to be getting no where... This guy says he only wants you..

Part two: He said 110%, I can wait. That guy only wants me in bed

Part one: Jen, look at this guy... He's wayy hotter

Part two: Christian's eyess....

Part one: Stop crying

Part two: Can't stop crying

Part one: You miss him huh?

Part two: Yes! ALOT!

Part one: okay we'll wait

Part two: It's worth it.

Part one: better be.

Part two: I hope so too. Stop making me cry

Part one: Turn off the sad songs then

Part two: I can't, they understand what I'm going through

Part one: Then quit complaining

Part two: It's hard waiting this long

Part one: I know, Jen, I know....

Part two: Sigh...

I have never been great at arguments. I have never been great with getting my point across. When people attack me, I typically lose. When people confront me, I usually break down. I have never been great at all. I'm no angel. I'm no star. I'm just a human. Where do people get off verbally abusing someone. Suffocating me with their name-calling. Do they think I will give up? Because I won't.

I may break down, but I, Jennifer Lynn Olson, am NOT WEAK! I don't give up. I will never back down. Sure I might cry to some hurtful words, but it won't change my mind. You can't push me away to something I love. I will always come back. You can count on that. I don't care what people think of me. I'm me. I'm not trying to approve to any ones expectations.

To those who name-call over text: your a pussy.

Just thinking...

In the beginning of a relationship, the two people are sewn together. They go on with their relationship with those original stitches. Just like a favorite t-shirt the string gets worn into and weak. Each bump in the road makes the stitching unravel. Bump by bump the tear gets bigger. One can decide to let them unravel, or try to fix the stitching. The original stitch will never be there again, but perhaps new string, stronger string, can mend the tear. We know that the relationship will never be new and fresh like the first new day, but with the patchwork and worn in stiches the relationship fits like a favorite pair jeans. Comfortable and there for you, they bring out your best features, and hide your ugly ones, but they love you no matter what.

Fear Is Just a State of Mind

Jennifer Olson
Stress Management
7:30-9:50 Thursdays

I use humor as a defense most of the time. I laugh it off. What’s the point of getting so defensive over something that doesn’t really matter? Opinions of others are not my concern at this point of my life. I only have one life, and I’m not going to base it living up to someone’s standards. I could see myself using denial, repression and rationalization as another mechanisms, but mainly humor.

Dreams come off as wishful thinking. I find some dreams do come true, as in déjà-vu. Like today for example, I dreamt many months ago that I licked my friend’s phone. Who knows why? The dream took place at a different setting but the actions remained the same. I find this to be true with most dreams. Daydreams have a higher chance of becoming true. So yes, I do take a higher value in my dreams and the messages they say to me. Although, I may never fly, fall off that cliff, or get chased by that monster, but the message that lies beneath remains.

I think I have come into terms to accept all that there is. Perhaps a few weeks ago, I was still in the process of accepting a long hard break-up. The first time I thought I accepted it was a lie, because it repeated itself into denial, anger, bargaining, and withdrawal. I hope I have accepted it this time.

I use to think I was a victim of my mother’s punishment that I was always picked on by her. My brothers always seemed to get a lighter punishment and more leash, whereas I got more strict policies about going out on the town. There were always the clothing problems, the curfew, the being in public, who I was with, the checking up on, and so on. It took many years of growing up to realize that I wasn’t a victim, just well loved.

I’m big on worrying and feeling guilty. I think I have improved on becoming less on both, but I still worry about a suicidal friend, or being late to class. I feel guilty when I visit more often with one friend than with another. I try to keep a balance of the friends I spend time with and that puts me under much stress and pressure.

I believe that I semi-explode when I’m angry. Actually, I’m not really the angry type and it really depends on what and who I’m angry with. I explode on my brothers, just because I’m that comfortable showing my emotions to them, and that it’s mainly a game we play. I self-punish when I know I could have done better, such as grades, a social incident, or an opportunity. I suppress the anger between friends. I use sarcasm with anger in difficult, awkward situations such as public anger, or with strangers. I wouldn’t really say anger with that, more like annoyance. Improvement would be much needed in self-punishment. I think I put myself down harder than others do. I use to live by perfection and purity, but came to reality that it could never be accomplished. I still live in remorse with the past decisions I’ve made about my identity as an individual.

I really don’t have much anger to cope with. When I do, I usually write it out on my blog. It lifts somewhat the anger I feel. The rest could be driven out of me by heavy metal music, or letting it go on the dance floor. I have one friend in particular that we get out our anger in a healthy matter by yelling in a normal tone at each other. We’re not mad at each other, we just let out that anger others caused to each of us. It’s a strange way but I know my friend doesn’t mean a single word. Sometimes, I run it out. Emotions are helpful to get the creative artistic side to come out. I use to paint, and draw when I felt victimized. My great pieces came from strong emotions. I think that anger is a part of life, and that we shouldn’t completely ignore it, but put it into use.

My goals are all education and career related. I don’t really have a fear that’s holding me back per say, but I do have fears about how to come about them. I have the fear of growing up and being responsible for myself. I have the fear of going off to college, a big scary place of strangers. I have the fear of letting myself get out of control at the college and letting grades slip. I have fear of looking out my window and feeling all alone. My past fears were overcome by just believing in myself, and to just keep afloat. Fear is just a state of mind, and you can put the mind over matter.

This has been the worst year yet. I wish I could redo last year. I’m so stupid
Why do all these people want me when I’m such a horrible person. I can’t even forgive myself for the actions that I’ve done. I can’t even love another person anymore. I know that I will hurt them. I shouldn't even talk to anybody, all I do is let them down. I’ve already let too many people down, including myself. I am what I didn’t want to be.

A whore. A stoner. A fucking slut. Pregnant?

I’ve let go the only thing worth living for. The only thing I was looking for. I just let it slip through my fingers. I broke it. I left it. I tortured it. It can’t even look me into the eyes anymore. It can’t even tell me anything anymore. It can’t even love me the same way anymore. I’ve ruined it.

I can’t believe something so kind and generous, and I just thought it was just another mark on my post.

I’ve been hurt to, but that doesn’t mean I had to treat it like shit. I think I would’ve rather been cheated on and together then to be dumped. Tyler, for example, dropped me like a bomb. I had no idea why. I thought that our relationship was perfect. Just one day he picks me up and tells me we are over. It's was then after he was gone, that I realized that I was just a rebound girl, and he ended up with his ex in Idaho. Another example, Hector. He lead me to believe that he liked me and that he wanted to go out with me. With me, being so nieve, I believed him and gave up my virginity to be with him. The very next day, he told me that he has found someone else, and never talked to me again. Another example, Dani. I knew that she was just a "hookup" kinda girl, but I thought I could change that. Five months long and she tells me that she wasn't looking for something serious anyways and left. Another Example, Taylor. The only time I don't act like my shy self, turns an oppurtunity into shit. I just took that first and that last kiss a little too far.
Another Example, Ryan. My first kiss. Sophomore year. I guess I got too attached to him, cuz then he started to avoid after he found out that he was my first. It just crushed me.

I've been dumped, ditched, cheated on, lied to, avoided, ignored, hurt.
So many times...

Tell Me Who Should I Be To Make You Love Me

While he was thrusting into me, emotions ran through me. The same emotions came through me when we first had sex. The emotion of this feels so right that it makes me cry. The first time I kept the tears in, because I didn't want him to think I was really weird, crying while I took his virginity. This time, I couldn't hold them in. I've cried so many times in front of him and this I couldn't hold on to. I couldn't control the emotions. I didn't want him to notice me cry, I tried so hard to keep it to myself. Shit, he saw. Louder cries. Now what? fuck, fuck fuck. "Are you okay?" I'm fine, it's just emotions. It's not just emotions. It's everything. He gets up. Fuck, What did I do? I'm so stupid. Ugh. I hate this. So angry at myself.

I stare into his eyes, and I know it's all my fault that we are what we are. How could I ever let that go and forgive myself. I have no idea what to do now. I can't get attached, but it just felt so right. Being there, holding him, holding me...

I know what my kisses meant, If I only knew what his meant...

What I want...

I want to be an important person. I want to make a difference in a person's life. I want to affect them. I want to be the sweetheart. I want to know what to say all the time at any given moment. I want to wake up happy knowing the day is going to be lovely. I want to know my exes know that I care about them. I want people to stop judging me just because I've one too many mistakes. I not only want love but serenity and comfort. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call my dad. I want to be able to ask questions. I want to be brave. I want to be open. I want to be honest. I want to be a lesbian. I want to live...

Comforting Dreams

This is truly home. Softly drifting into dreams, my mind swirls into oblivious. The voices of my relatives comfort me as they converse and laugh. Suddenly I don't feel so alone and cold. My heart feels warm and full. Memories flow through my mind like a creek. Thoughts of happiness and laughter. I'm not alone. Pain loosens this strangle thats gripping at my throat. All worries that I've gained fade. Smiling faces of friends and family appear. I'm up, higher than the skies. So easily to fall but I keep afloat. This air beneath me is strong yet so weak. My mind keeps twirling into technicolor and on I drift. It seems so dark yet so vibrant. Deeper and deeper in emotions. Mostly comfort comes to mind. The people that have held me up when I was rock bottom, the people that have supported me through my tough times, the people that has helped me throughout my life. I'm drowning in the warmth, but it's not a feeling I dislike. It's not burning, it's a cozy warm. Like when your mother wraps you in her arms and rocks you to sleep. I'm enjoying every minute. Skies are gray, but mine are blue. The sun is gone, mine still shines. The rain is pouring, I hear the music it plays for me. It's my own lullaby. Colors are brighter than ever. Foods are distinct. Sleep is not lost. I feel refreshed. A clean slate is on the horizon. I see it. I see myself acheiving it. It is what I want. It is what I need. My future. It's so clear to me. The warmth has now turn cool. Not cold, nor freezing. A brisk fresh air. Spring air. Pink roses and morning rain. Wind blows through my hair. My nose tingles as the sun smiles down at me. She's proud. I'm proud. The birds sing and the bees buzz. What a lovely day I think to myself. My path is set for me. Many doors along the way. Shall I choose a door or shall I stay on this path? I see some doors are white and big, like mansion doors. With Greek towers on either side or those lion statues. Other doors are unfinshed rough wood. Nails sticking out. Holes through them. I peek in those holes, and see the path on the other side. Abandoned and broken is all I feel. I continue down this path I'm on and see if a door looks interesting enough for me to walk through.

Fuck this New Year!

Every year it starts the same...

I'm with my family...
I'm Heartbroken...
No New Year's Kiss...
Some Ex always texts me and pisses me off...
My Cousin always gets on my nerves...
I did something new with my hair...
I'm in my "emo"state...

Always the fucking same.

FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT! I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF! I CAN NOT STAND THIS FUCKED UP FUCKING WORLD! WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND SO FUCKING DUMB! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK MOTHERFUCKER! I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT! FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Omg I'm just fucking raging right now. Why did he have to fucking text me and why the fuck can't I just ignore it?

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I'm going to get drunk.
Peace.

Thought of the Day

Fuck me.

Jennifer's Lullaby

Right before I go to sleep I think of...

The past.

Mistakes.

Of letting myself go.

Of letting myself down.

Of letting myself become this way.

Of letting us stop going to that psychiatrist.

Of how each day I live in some regret and great remorse.

Goals Achieved.

Of how I got my CNA degree.

How I graduated high school.

How I did suberb on my Senior Project.

How I learned my favorite song on piano all by myself.

How I started this blog and how far I've come along.

Love.

How I wasted all the time on Reece.

How I thought I would have him one day.

How I let everyone know about my crush.

How I let him control me.

How I told his mother I liked him and

how she told me she would like me as a daughter.

How I let myself fall so hard when he didn't do anything.

How he got his way.

How angry I was when his ex just walked all over him.

How he just let it happen.

How he looked at me like I meant nothing.

Like my love didn't even matter.

How naieve I really am about my relationships.

How if I really paid attention I would see how exactly it would end.

How perfect my first kiss was and betrayal followed it.

Enemys.

How to this day Stephanie STILL talks about me.

How many theroies as to why she is.

How they say that she is in love with me and how much I loathe her guts.

How I had somewhat of a crush on her when we were friends.

Best Friends!

The bestest friends in the world.

How I don't even know why we broke up.

That she doesn't even know why we broke up.

Memories of lust, crimes, lies, and good times.

I think of...

The present.

Juan and if we'll ever hang out.

Of how I sorta drawn to him.

We have many memories on the bus of us sitting together,

tickleing each other,

walking around after school.

I mean I liked him more than Roy.

I was really drawn to both,

but I didn't want to mess up the friendship.

Luis and if he'll accidentally fall for me, again.

I don't want another heart to heart

of him telling me that he really likes me.

I really like him as a guy friend,

and I don't want him to think of me as something more.

Roy and if he killed himself tonight,

and how I had feelings for him

but I didn't want to get involved.

His depression really got in the way

of us really being something anyhow.

Even though, we talked for hours

and I actually took him away

from all his depressed thoughts.

I will never forget when he said that

"Roy thinks that Jennifer and Him should be together."

It broke my heart that I knew things wouldn't work out

and how I wished they could.

Harvey and if He's okay with his loss

and how I could do something about it.

How optimistic and strange he really is.

That I really enjoy talking to him.

If he'll ever find that special someone.

Sarah and how I love her so much

and if she'll ever consider dating my cousin

and the same for my cousin.

That I'm really glad that we became friends again.

I really hope she comes to Spokane with me.

I don't want to go alone.

Eleni and how I love her too

and how I love her boyfriend

and I love that she didn't need the help

finding that perfect somebody and neither do I.

I hope I don't get a crush on her boy toy.

That is one mess I don't want to get into.

Family and how they will always be there for me.

My Grandma and how I don't want her to die ever.

I will miss her too much.

People that have passed through my life.

An Ex that's back in town

and how he tells Luis to call me

so he can talk to me, but I'm on the phone

and he won't reply.

I think of....

The future.

If I'll ever receive that text I'm so patiently waiting for.

If tomorrow will be a better day or not.

If I'll get swept off my feet.

If I'll get into WSU.

If I'll get my AA degree.

If my employer will call me.

If Christian will come back into my life.

Or if I'll find someone else.

If I'll break down and call him up.

If I'll control myself not to.

If this cold will ever go away.

If my dad will ever talk to me.

If It's too late to pay for winter quarter.

If I need my SATs for WSU.

If Reece will ever realize what he did.

If Kendra will ever call me.

If April will ever pay me back

If Stephanie will ever accept my apology

If Brandon will come home safe.

If my dad will ever stop smoking

If my sister, Morgan ever like me.

If Sean and I will ever be close again.

If Tasha and I will ever be close again.

If...