Thought of the Day

Fuck me.

Jennifer's Lullaby

Right before I go to sleep I think of...

The past.

Mistakes.

Of letting myself go.

Of letting myself down.

Of letting myself become this way.

Of letting us stop going to that psychiatrist.

Of how each day I live in some regret and great remorse.

Goals Achieved.

Of how I got my CNA degree.

How I graduated high school.

How I did suberb on my Senior Project.

How I learned my favorite song on piano all by myself.

How I started this blog and how far I've come along.

Love.

How I wasted all the time on Reece.

How I thought I would have him one day.

How I let everyone know about my crush.

How I let him control me.

How I told his mother I liked him and

how she told me she would like me as a daughter.

How I let myself fall so hard when he didn't do anything.

How he got his way.

How angry I was when his ex just walked all over him.

How he just let it happen.

How he looked at me like I meant nothing.

Like my love didn't even matter.

How naieve I really am about my relationships.

How if I really paid attention I would see how exactly it would end.

How perfect my first kiss was and betrayal followed it.

Enemys.

How to this day Stephanie STILL talks about me.

How many theroies as to why she is.

How they say that she is in love with me and how much I loathe her guts.

How I had somewhat of a crush on her when we were friends.

Best Friends!

The bestest friends in the world.

How I don't even know why we broke up.

That she doesn't even know why we broke up.

Memories of lust, crimes, lies, and good times.

I think of...

The present.

Juan and if we'll ever hang out.

Of how I sorta drawn to him.

We have many memories on the bus of us sitting together,

tickleing each other,

walking around after school.

I mean I liked him more than Roy.

I was really drawn to both,

but I didn't want to mess up the friendship.

Luis and if he'll accidentally fall for me, again.

I don't want another heart to heart

of him telling me that he really likes me.

I really like him as a guy friend,

and I don't want him to think of me as something more.

Roy and if he killed himself tonight,

and how I had feelings for him

but I didn't want to get involved.

His depression really got in the way

of us really being something anyhow.

Even though, we talked for hours

and I actually took him away

from all his depressed thoughts.

I will never forget when he said that

"Roy thinks that Jennifer and Him should be together."

It broke my heart that I knew things wouldn't work out

and how I wished they could.

Harvey and if He's okay with his loss

and how I could do something about it.

How optimistic and strange he really is.

That I really enjoy talking to him.

If he'll ever find that special someone.

Sarah and how I love her so much

and if she'll ever consider dating my cousin

and the same for my cousin.

That I'm really glad that we became friends again.

I really hope she comes to Spokane with me.

I don't want to go alone.

Eleni and how I love her too

and how I love her boyfriend

and I love that she didn't need the help

finding that perfect somebody and neither do I.

I hope I don't get a crush on her boy toy.

That is one mess I don't want to get into.

Family and how they will always be there for me.

My Grandma and how I don't want her to die ever.

I will miss her too much.

People that have passed through my life.

An Ex that's back in town

and how he tells Luis to call me

so he can talk to me, but I'm on the phone

and he won't reply.

I think of....

The future.

If I'll ever receive that text I'm so patiently waiting for.

If tomorrow will be a better day or not.

If I'll get swept off my feet.

If I'll get into WSU.

If I'll get my AA degree.

If my employer will call me.

If Christian will come back into my life.

Or if I'll find someone else.

If I'll break down and call him up.

If I'll control myself not to.

If this cold will ever go away.

If my dad will ever talk to me.

If It's too late to pay for winter quarter.

If I need my SATs for WSU.

If Reece will ever realize what he did.

If Kendra will ever call me.

If April will ever pay me back

If Stephanie will ever accept my apology

If Brandon will come home safe.

If my dad will ever stop smoking

If my sister, Morgan ever like me.

If Sean and I will ever be close again.

If Tasha and I will ever be close again.

If...

To Christian:

The other day, I was cleaning my room and I found a letter I forgot to give to you. It was meant to go into your yearbook, because, to this day, I have not signed it. Here's what it said:

Dear Christian,

Since you didnt' make my yearbook full of sap, I might as well fill yours. I love everything about you from your skinny little body to your gorgeous eyes. I love how you treat me and wait on me hand and foot. I'd never want to lose that! Thank you for everything you do; Driving me to school, paying for everything, massages, and explaining things. Your my everything that I've always wanted. No one else can compare. One in a 7 billion, baby!

Your Highschool Sweetheart,
<3 Jennifer Olson
(later, masturbater)

To the side of it was a cute little doodle of a girl(me) and boy(you) holding a heart.

If you ever want the original, It's here along with my heart.
That's all.

New Goals for the New Year

"Run, Baby, Run. Don't ever look back.

Don't say were not meant to be. Forever will be, You and Me."

Year 2010:

• AA Degree, I need fucking funds!
• WSU Fall! already did the app! WOOP WOOP
• March-April That new job.
• Lose 25 lbs by Feb.
• I don't think I need SATS?!
• Spring Break (Cali) Bring SARAH AND ELENI!
• Octopus Tattoo!
• My Butt Tattoo b4 Summer! (hehe)
• Become a HOTASS BITCH!!!
• Get a tan
• Hope Brandon comes home b4 my bday!
• NO BOYS! FUCK THAT!
• SCHOOL AND WORK SCHOOL AND WORK SCHOOL AND WORK!
• Smart car!!

I should really not have coffee at 10 at NIGHT! I'm still WIDE AWAKE!

Optimistic.

Positive

The tears have all dried up
the dreams have all vanished
the ring has left the finger
Memories start to fade
I no longer strive for comfort
I no longer wonder, wish, or pray
Because I already know

Word slips into air
but I don't fall
All questions soon to be answered
Time tells all
Or so I'm told
What will I ever do now?

Someday, Somewhere
I'm positive

I don't really have any inspiration to this blog. More like quips.

Recently, an old friend messeged me to call him up. (Luis) So I then called. We spent hours talking on the phone, and I really missed being able to do that. Christian never talked to me on the phone. I love to talk. Everyday I've been calling or him calling me and then we talk for hours. Today we hung out and watched our all time favorite movie. Nick and Norah's! We both said word by word. Lolz. Pretty funny actually that he would be obsessed as I.

Next thing is that Tyler is back in town for the holidays and Luis is sorta kinda best friends with him. I mean he lives right across the street from him. Next thing I hear is that Tyler has been asking about me, which is strange since he lefted me la blah blah, but you know it kinda makes me have hope for the future. Someday Christian would do the same thing. Ask about me. Yes, I do plan on bumping into Tyler, perhaps tomorrow. Just to see how he has changed. I do know nothing will happen between us. He has a child and I don't know if she's a wife or just a girlfriend, but I don't really care. I just want to show myself off.

btw, my puppy is having a nightmare. she's yapping in her sleep. It's strange.
I'm starting to miss Roy. I really want to hang out with him. We beat my record for talking on the phone for like six hours one time. Not his which is like 12 hours. That's kinda hard to beat.

Stupid weather keeps me away from my friends. :/

Non depressing post.

My thoughts have been quite depressing recently and I would like to take a break from insanity and just get out there again. I can not be stuck in this stuffy room all month waiting. Time goes by much faster anyways when your having fun. Just for your insurance, I'm not saying I wanna get out there and flirt with every guy who looks my way. Which you know, I could get any guy I want. I think Friday I wanna get up on that dance floor and shake my ass. I'm really in a dance mood. Dancing is everything. It makes me so much happier. I can not say no to dancing. Last Friday I went to a winter ball, and It made me feel so alive. It took my mind off of all my worries. While I dance, all my sadness goes away. Everyone on the dance floor becomes my family. People surrounding me. Laughing. Having a good time. I love the club. omg. I'm turning into my brotherrr!!! AHHH!!! I can't wait til he gets back and we can hit that club every Friday! I don't need to get fucked up to have a good time. I don't need a boy to have a good time. Just turn up the radio and let's have at it. :) mm. Me like me some dancing! WEEE!!!

Just for the record. I LOVE DANCING! hahaha.
:D

ily, cns!

waiting...

It's the third day into this month break and I can't stand it any longer.

He haunts my dreams, and invades my thoughts. Every night I go to sleep, I have this amazing dream with him in it. So amazing it feels real. I forget all this bullshit and were together. He's loving me and I'm loving him. Then I wake up and I cry. I go downstairs, drink a protein shake then workout. Watch TV till someone comes home. And then some moment I'm up in my room again crying. Everyone is trying to set me up with some guy and I don't want it. I don't want anyone else. I know exactly who I want. I don't want to get over him. He made me feel safe, wanted, and so comfortable.

I just can't do anything anymore. Everything reminds me of him. When I'm at a store, or anywhere, I look for him.

Shame on me for losing such a great guy. Shame on me for cheating on him. Shame on me for everything.

I have not put down your ring. I always look at it and pray.
Then praying leads me to crying, crying leads me to hating myself.

thoughts of killing myself still cross my mind.
....
i'm hopeless.
I hurt so much.

You know any explaination I come up with will never heal the wounds I've made. But I really have a feeling as to why I did it. In every relationship I had, the partner always hurted me first. whether that was taking my virginity when I've haven't completly made up my mind about it, or Cheating, or ignoring me, or just plain leaving me for someone else. and yes, I believe you were a possible so called "rebound" guy, but who couldn't blame me. I've been hurt so many times before you and I couldn't trust just anyone. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that...

Is it possible that I hurt you first, just so that you couldn't hurt me? I mean it does make sense.

Sometimes when I got into those depressed moments, I would always have an argument in my mind saying Let's break up, but Look at him he really cares, I could possibly fall for him.

And here I am fallen. No one here to help me up. Waiting for my true love to come through that door again.

I have no idea what he is up to tonight, and have no idea what he's thinking and that really upsets me.

I just want him back. I miss him so much.

I love you.

Happy Happy Happy

I'm the happiest girl in the world. I feel as if our love is stronger than ever. I love Christian so much!!! And I thank God for bringing him back to me. This moment has made history and I'm so glad to be apart of his life again. I'm overwhelmed with joy. I've had tears of happiness all night. :):):) Life is so great. better than great. PERFECT. Christian is perfect! I can't wait to see his smiling face again. :) Sigh. what a long day. Rollarcoaster. Just as I thought I was all down hill. whatta relief. No words explain my happiness. I anticipate a long happy life with Christian Nathanial Sanders. Love what a great feeling. :)

He told me so.

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you

And suppose I said "I wanna come back home".

And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson"

And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone.

If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted

And it's killin' me to be so far away.

Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?

Or would you simply laugh at me and say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so

I told you some day you come crawling back

and asking me to take you in

I told you so, but you had to go

Now I found somebody new

and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever

Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?

Would we get that old time feelin',

would we laugh and talk for hours

The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you'd missed me too

and that you'd been so lonely

And you waited for the day that I returned.

And we'd live in love forever

and that I'm your one and only

Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so

I told you some day you come crawling back

and asking me to take you in

I told you so, but you have to go

Now I found somebody new

and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

From the heart.

There's a few things I wish I didn't do. Cheat, Lie, and Steal.

I always seem to be the relationship where "I love you but I'm only in this until this girl I use to talk to talks to me again" That's all of my relationships, and only after they've broken up with me, for another girl, have I realized that they are talking to the girl they met before me. I guess I'm just the rebound girl. Well, this month I've cleaned my slate of all these guys I've talked to, and started with someone new. He use to follow me around in middle school and was just a very interesting boy. So I've found him on facebook, thanks to sarah for helping look. Been talking for about 3-4 days now. Exchanged numbers and continue to text throughout the day. I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I've talked to Sarah and Eleni and Eleni says he's alright. Which is alot from her. I am certainly anticipating his good morning text and our daily conversation.

Meanwhile, I'm very much in love with Christian. Tears will not stop falling. My heart is breaking this very moment talking about it. I really miss his tight embrace around me. and his soft lips upon mine. i can't do this anymore. deep breath. your fine, jennifer. just breath. He'll come around. just breath. that 8x10 doesn't help. I should put it down as the time being. breath. It's so much self control not to text him or drive by his house. It's too much just to drive past his work. i really can't take this. i don't want him to fall for someone else. I'm so stupid. I screwed up so much. I want it all back. I would do anything. i just had an out of the body experience. everything feels out of proportion. I feel taller and my arms feel so far away as i type. I'm getting dizzy when i look down at my hands typing, this is so fuckin weird. ahhh make it go away.

anyways, about a couple months into my relationship with christian i really had to fight myself to stay with him. I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't falling in love with him. When he told me he loved me, i didn't really feel the same way. I just lied to myself and said it back to him. Well if you lie to yourself so many times you start believing it. and that's prob why this is so hard to let go. and now I don't even know the truth. It hurts to see him liking another girl, or is that the jealousy speaking?

Confused.

Old Obsessions

Here I am, talking to the only person who I've cared about for as long as I've been bleeding every month. Seven Years if you didn't know. It's been about 6 months since I've seen him last and the last time I saw him, he was all cocky this, ignore me that. Plus his ex-girlfriend showed up on the last day, which made any possibilities fly right out the window. In about three days, I'll be in his dorm room. Alone. Just me and him. For two days. So many times I've come so close to kiss him are finally laid out right in front of me. This is the guy I used to write about as "drop, dead, gorgeous" and has the "prettiest eyes ever" I use to wear this necklace with a popcap with the middle attached. For some reason, that symbolized "sex". Anyways, I wrote his intials on it and wore for the longest time. I would write in my diary in huge letters that I loved him. In class instead of taking notes, I would writing his name over and over with hearts all around it. I even wrote a poem about him.

I don't know why I love you.

I don't know why I care

It might be your eyes

or maybe even your hair

I think this stupid thing called love

started when I met you

I saw your perfect smile

and eyes that were filled with blue

I think about you all the time

even when I'm not

In my thoughts and in my dreams

It's because your so damn hott

I love your light perplextion

and your glasses too

That's why I wrote this poem

to say I love you!

I've written so much about him, us, and how we are meant to be. All that high school girl dreams and wishes. He has invaded my thoughts, my dreams, and my wishes. He has affected me all these years. I still get butterflies when someone mentions his name. Much worse than that. My palms get sweaty, my throat tightens, I can hardly breath. And Now this! Us. Together. No interruptions. No rules. How can I handle such an event? I thought I was completly over him when I saw him six months ago. I'm still not sure. Part of me thinks that I need this to prove that I'm over him. Or whatever I do feel for him. Since I've had so many emotions for him. He's the only boy that makes me melt. Everyone knows my obsession with Reece. He's like my one and only. The one I dreamed to have my kids, my hand in marriage, to grow old with. I even thought he would take my virginity, but I couldn't wait that long. I actually saved the first dance for him. I actually did. For years, I never slow danced. I waited til he got the nerve to ask. He finally did, and next thing I knew I got swept away by his best friend. All's ruined. Point is: I need this, for my past and future. To close up all those feelings I had for him. It'd be a great ending to my fairytale to know I finally shared moments with him. Life and breath. To open up my new feelings with my new fairytale. No longer will I be tied down with these feelings of being taken from him. No longer will I wonder what if. No longer. No more. These two days are going to tell and show my future greatly. I hope he kisses as I dream.

*Sorry, Christian, If you had to read this. I hope you understand.

Some random

Promiscuous

Casual, Unrestrained

Delirious, Colorful, Wild

Slut

Lust

Passion, Greed

Desire, Crave, Obsence

Physical

Love

Affection, Cherish

Warmth, Romance, Loyal

Forever

Conservative

Decorum, Control

Prude, Dull, Perfect

Virgin

Unfinished

She glances at the clock across the room. It's blinks lime green "3:34". She rolls back over and closes her eyes. Restless. Tears begin to form. She bits back the overwhelming feeling and takes a deep breath.Just count the sheep. You can get through this. Her mind tells her. Too late. Tears are streaming. She buries her head deep into her pillow. How could I be so stupid? She sobs harder. It's harder to breathe. She sits up. Look at me. I'm so pathetic! She gets up, deciding that she will never get back to sleep. At least not tonight. She reaches down for her cell phone that she threw across the room earlier. Really? Your going to check your inbox? You know it's empty! He doesn't care about you! He didn't say 'goodnight', or 'I've made a huge mistake'. No, this is real. Just go back to bed. She stands in the middle of her room. She stares at her insomniac bed. It's all your fault! You made me this way. So obsessive, so insecure, so unlovable. I hate you! She puts on her jacket, grabs her keys, and walks out the door. Where are we going? Her mind races. Just get in and drive. Turn right here. Turn left here. I can't believe your heading towards his house. A sigh escapes. She parks at the park about four blocks away from his house. Well, we can either bang his door down and piss him off and just make things more complicated or just drive back home. No no no. I did not come out all this way just to turn around. Your so right. I can't just knock on his door at four in the morning excepting some kind of love. Gah, I wish life was just a fairytale. Oh yes, cause life is just that simple. No wonder he couldn't love you. You talk to yourself. Shut up! It's normal. Can't I talk to myself? No, no you can't. Why not? People think it's weird. You don't wanna be that one weirdo that's talks to yourself, do ya? No... I don't think I do. What the hell are you talking about? Gah, can't you just stay focused for like five minutes! What am I going to do? She starts pacing.

Great...

So there's two people in front of you. Both great fantastic people. Mister A: Great looks, Mister B: Great personality.

The great question of looks vs. personality. Tough.
Let's rundown all the pros and cons shall we:

Mister A

Pros:

• There for me
• Would make gorgeous babies
• outgoing
• comforting
• seems like I could spend the rest of my life with

Cons:

• thinks he's ugly
• says no one likes him
• self pity
• doesn't get excited when i'm excited
• depressed

Mister B

Pros:

• Sweetheart
• awesome personality
• great style
• gets excited when i'm excited
• quiet shy weird like me

Cons:

• farts around me
• balding
• bad teeth
• can't tell how serious he is
• lacking boyfriend label

They share the same money problems. One is 19. One is 17. Both have jobs, both don't drive at the moment. I just can't figure this out. I would really need that push from mister b if he's serious into me or...

Because of You

Everything has changed

we are apart not together

I'm kissing that guy not him

He's with her not me

These tears are for him

He can't hear these apologies

He's too busy with life

He's says it's all my fault

What am I suppose to do

I only follow the crowd

follow the wanted

wanted not wanting me

This finger is reserved

He knows that

He doesn't believe

Can I change before the end

What am I suppose to say

I only seem to make things worse

make things complicated

complicated like me

I'm realizing the truth

between us

he made me see that

opened my eyes

I still cry

wanting the past

needing the past

predicting the future

"If we make it through hell

then we will know

we were honestly

Meant for Eachother"

How I Feel Sexy

I've been wondering: I think I'm the most flirtiest girl out of my friends. I've gotten every guy I've ever wanted and they haven't. Or maybe all the guys I've ever wanted were so low that anyone with two legs could get them. Besides that point, I wanted them, I got them. I have these sexy spells, where I wake up and look sexy. Or there's the ugly spells where I wake up and feel like crap and don't even wanna put on makeup or do my hair. Anyways...after this boy there's only one more boy left.

This boy is god. Untouchable, but somehow has been wanting me lately. I don't get it. I start a converstion with him, nothing. My friend uses my phone to text him, bam! He wants me the next minute. I thought I knew everything there was to the opposite sex. Apparently not. I'm at complete shock.

another post.

Crumbs.

My consular once told me that all my past relationships were just crumbs to the real thing. Something just to feed off of, until I or them find someone else. There I was looking for my next crumb, when there he was. The whole cake! It was just too good to be true. He treated me like a princess, worshiped me, did whatever I told him. He even changed his ways for me.

The first five months were easy. Loving him, caring. All that. Then all of a sudden, I'm back finding crumbs again!! CRUMBS! When I had the cake in front of me! Three guys, all crumbs. I've been reassuring myself that it's just this "list" of people I want to complete, but why? I really have no idea why I would go back to losers. Maybe I thought I could find someone better. More attractive. More bad boy. Maybe "nerd" isn't my type at all.

My future pictures me with him. Holding his child. Wearing his ring. He's perfect.

Maybe it's too soon to settle down and fully commit myself.
-Jennifer

Christian

I love his sea blue eyes.

I love his cute straight smile.

I love the little freckles on his face.

His little grin when he's massaging my feet.

The way he dances just like me.

How I can be a complete fatty infront of him.

or a complete dork.

How the tears form when I think about losing him.

When he asked me out on Valentine's Day.

How I kept staring on the first date.

How I still stare at him in complete amazment.

Thirty-nine roses, Five cards, Three boxs of chocolate and counting.

Perfect Prom Night.

Bold remarks.

Curious.

My Hero.

Sanders

Potato Skins

11:15. She steps out the front door. The air is crisp and nipping at her cheeks. She lights up another cigarette, taking in a huge puff. She slumps over to the steps and takes a seat. Her knuckles sore and red from beating the wall of anger. Another puff. Exhale. The starry sky was staring down at her. Dark heavy clouds in the distance. Another puff. Holding this one in longer. Feel the burn. Exhale. What a disappointment. All this time, she should have known. What a jerk. Worse than a jerk. A complete asshole. This whole year wasted. Another inhale. Thoughts race. Of course he doesn't come home tonight. Another double at work. I didn't know Electricians was a 24/7 job. How could she be so blind this whole time? So naive. So stupid. Another burn. She drops the cigarette and squishes it with her classic black converse. She slams the front door as she heads to bed.

BEEP!BEEP!BEEP! Thunk! Ugh, early mornings. She rolls out of bed into the bathroom. He's still not home. So predictable. Pee, shower, office suit, make-up, hair, out the door. Eight hours a day. Five times a week for six years. Three words: Dead end job. It's not what she dreamed of becoming. Not her major, but that wasn't her choice. Two words: Family business. Someone has to carry it out. Brothers and sisters moved far away to make sure they would get their own life. Not her. She didn't get that kind of luxury. She was the youngest out of five. Boy, girl, boy, girl, girl. She messed up the birthing order. That's why she gets to carry out business. Upon many other reasons, but she likes to blame it on that curse.

RINNGGGG! RINNGGGG! RIIINNNNGGGGGGGG! The office was extremely busy as normal.
"Hello, you reached the __________ company. This is Vanity, How may I help you?"
"blahblahblahblahblahblah"

Just seven more hours of this. Then she can go to her empty apartment, where no one will show up at her door with roses apologizing for all his mistakes. Nope, never will happen. She'll sit on the couch for a couple hours, interrupted by cigarette breaks. Maybe she'll cry loud enough for him to hear it or punch the wall hard enough. Sigh. What's the point. He likes like other girl. Taller, skinner. More interesting. It's never happily ever after.

Why do creepy older dudes always txt me wanting to hang out? It's so creepy. I've already done that and the result was no good. Don't want to talk about it.

Hm... I'm testing this new mobile blog. I think it would be easier for me to write now. So yay. Let's see... So i've applied to a nursing home but i don't want To talk about that. I'm not sure what I want to start with... I've been getting alot questions about graduating and how it feels. Honestly it doesn't feel any Different. It just feels like regular summer vacation. I just hate repeating the same old q's. What are you doing afterwards? What's your major? Blah blah blah.

Nothing Important

I shouldn't even be thinking about the things I'm thinking about. I mean why should I? My life I pretty good, I think, but I still can't get that asshole out of my head. I don't understand what the hell my obsession is with this fucking jerk!!!! I don't know if I'm jealous or just pissed off on everything he does. Everything I am, he's taken and said he's been like that all along. Under his about for instance it says his interest is photography. Hellooo... that's been my forever. It also says he's different. If different is being a self-centered, know-it-all, ASSHOLE! Then sure is. It also says he acts like a 10-year old. NEVER in my life have I've seen that. All the years that I've known him, it was all about being professional. I was the 10-year old. It's bullshit! Gah.. I just want to beat the shit out of him. Seriously. Make him cry for all he's worth. Ruin his life as he did to mine. Memories fade with time.

Here we are!!

May 20th!!!

CNA Test Day!

okay, Here's how it went. I had to wake up around like 6-6:30am! Untypical for me. I usually get around 7. I get picked up by my lovely Chris, we go get coffee for the big day. I arrive at the school just in time at 7:30. I go into the testing room to take the written portion. It's starts at 8. It was pretty basic stuff. I few questions were BULLSHIT! cuz my nursing class didn't go over some material. Like WTF is a Bed Cradle?? and How to put on restraints??? Anyways..Besides those questions, I think I did very well. Mmhm. So after I'm done, I get to leave the room and go back to our classroom where we get to wait til the evaluators call your name. I got done with the written around 9 and they called me in at 12:40!!! That's so many hours to wait. I was one of the last people to test. Ugh. All my friends tested and then left. such support! So when I got called I went into a different class, where everything is set up. I get partnered with another classmate to be my client, and I get this boy from AM class who I don't know!!! The evaluator gives me a card with the list of skills I need to perform. I get Hand washing (everyone gets this skill), Pulse, Foot care, feeding, and Position on side. Hand washing, Pulse, and positioning were easy. On the feeding and foot care, I kept forgetting some steps! Like washing the client's hands beforehand, Sitting next to them while feeding, and providing privacy on foot care. But that's not much to miss. It's not like a missed a CRITICAL step. Well I have 14 days to figure out if I passed or not.

-Thoughts of the Journey of a nurse.

:)

Catch up.

It's been awhile.



Let's see....



For starters, I've met this wonderful boy, Christian. He's meets all my satisfying points of what I want in a relationship. :) He's Gorgeous. Perfect smile, Blue eyes. What more can I say. I'm in love. He puts me up on that pedestal my grandfolks have been saying for years. "Find that boy that puts you on a pedestal and treats you like the princess you are" Well.. that's very well what I've found. He gets me what I ever wanted and he's there for me. I sometimes feel like I'm taking him for granted, and I can't believe he feels that way. Pff. He treats me sooo nice. I don't ever want to loose him.



Okay, For school. I'm taking night classes. It's alright, but I wish my car was in working condition because then I could sleep in.. but yeah. On the 20th I have the CNA test to do! I'm sooo scared and nervous. I know that I'll pass. After that I can start working, getting $12/hour. nice huh? But that will take up my weekends. :( oh well It's good money!!! Also during that week, I'll have a Senior presentation to do. I need to get a lot of shit done. Mosty my depression and senior speech. and STUDY STUDY STUDY for the CNA test. YAHOOOOOOO!!!!



Life in general is going so-so. I went to the club for the first time this past friday. Didn't expect to be full of gangsters. I was a little scared. I felt so little and young. I think i'll wait a little while to go again. like a year. hahaha Also, I've gained like 20lbs. to some ppl that's nothing. But i'm already a tiny boned girl. so to me, it looks like i'm prego. I'll lose I'm not too worried. Let's see if i got any of my '09 things to do done....

-Job, still need that CNA license.

-License/Battery in Car, GOT MY LICENSE WOOO!!! still need battery.

-CNA Degree, THE 20TH!

-AA Degree, JUNE!!!

-Senior Project, THE 18TH!!!

-Graduate High school, JUNE 6th!!!

-Save up to put down on a house :)($10,000), SUMMER!

-WSU Application, SUMMER!

-SATs, SUMMER!

-new laptop, this one sucks, SUMMER!

-continue my sewing, but moree often, SUMMER!

-Be in a play. :) Too late a little.

-Prom! <3>

-Spring Break Getaway!!! <3>

-Scrap that book! SOON!

Twirp '09

I still can't believe what I did!

I met this guy one day going to Sean's house and have passed him a couple times after 8th hour. So at Twirp, he just so happens to be there, and of course, I have a tiny little crush on him. :) But I'm taken at this time so... Well Sean and I and the little group we had was dancing and I was up on Jamie who was right in front of David, the crush guy. So I decide to back up into Jamie which turned her around so that David was backing up into me. I grab his waist and pull him closer and I wrap around him and he holds my hand and entertines our fingers. Then I switch places and the moment gotta out of control. His hands around my waist pulling me closer and my arm behind his neck. All of sudden, I turn around still in this tight hug and we makeout! It's not like for one second like an "oops, I didn't know what I was thinking" OH nooo....It was practically for the entire song. Our group is like "oh my" and walk off. Some girl gets mad cuz she liked him. And just keep dancing and holding eachother so close. When the song ends he says "It seemed like you wanted that for the longest time." The next song, his hands were all over me. Grabbing this, squeezing that. We were basically having sex on the dance floor! It was soo intense. We didn't kiss again becuz of the whole I'm taken and that girl. But what we did instead was wayyy more than just some kiss. INTENSE! I don't think I'll ever forget Twirp 2009.

Questions For an Ex-lover

Did she sweep you off your feet?
Did she bring you to your knees?
Did she kiss just like you dreamed?
And do you still taste just like you seem?

Does she know that you like to dance?
I stopped in time
Does she make you laugh?

Did she pour your favorite drink?
Does she like the way you think?
Is this what you want?
Is she going to last?

Is it a one road to your door?
Do you love me anymore?
With my eyes closed
I can still see,
a time back when I meant to you
everything that you still mean to me.

And when she is around is it hard to breath?
Does she make you happy?
So you don’t want to leave?
And when you’re with her
Do you think of me?
Or have you forgotten
How it use to be
When it was you and me

Is it a long road to your door?
Do you love me anymore?
With my eyes closed
I can still see,
a time back when I meant to you
everything that you still mean to me.

I shouldn’t ask that
It’s just a bad habit
I shouldn’t ask that
Forgive me forgive me
I shouldn’t ask that
It’s just a bad habit
I shouldn’t ask that
For give me for give me

And It’s a long road to your door
When you don’t love me anymore
With my eyes closed
I can still see,
a time back when I meant to you
everything that you still mean to me.

Update of Life

Boys:

Reece- Okay, so since like January he hasn't spoken to me. Except tonight Rachel txted him with my phone and he txted back WTF! So we had like a 5 min conversation and then once I didn't have anymore questions to ask him, he stopped talking. Kinda Bogus. I even brought Nursing and that we started working in the homes today and that didn't even spark the slightest of interest. Anyways...

Roy-This one is going to be difficult. Last weekend for valentine's, actually I should start with this boy first.

Christian- Okay, So I added him on myspace like a weekend ago, and we just hit it off you know like staying up all night talking. So yeah That very next Wednesday he asks me out to dinner. (His parents were out of town so he could do whatever ya know...) So It was just a shocker, so I go out with him and It was a great evening. And he 's so sweet and cute and nerdy, right? The following days he drives me home nothing happened. The following Saturday is Valentine's Day. Out of all weeks... Jeez. So he takes me out again. I get into his car with chocolates on my seat. :) Walking around the the river, talking holding hands. Then he asks me out. so I say I'd love too! with stars in my eyes. Problem is...

Roy- I really really like Roy, but I didn't know he felt the same since he didn't say anything UNTIL that following Monday. He called me and we talked for 5 hours!!! And he knows the whole ordeal. then he totally surprises me with "What if Roy told Jennifer that We should be together?" It was just sooo cute. So...Ugh..

Juan- There's not much to say. I lead him on. Poor guy. He tried to hurt himself. Just yeah.. Poor poor guy. :/ I feel really bad about it.

Hayden-Out of luck... He's at the bottom of my list now. Yes I realize that he worked all day and can't get out of that. But he could have at least told me that it was late. So I didn't wait around alllll day. :/

School:

College- I'm doing horribly in Lit. The homework is just so boring as is the reading. Stage make-up is super fun! Love it!

Nursing- We just started Clinical. Which is where we go to nursing homes practicing our skills on real people instead of dummies. Out of all places, we got the Old timer's place first. It's really depressing. They walk around not knowing anything. Just following you around saying random memories. Like "You see that parking lot over there, It has lots of space" When there was no parking lot. :/ Tomorrow we will actually start doing skills on them. Like Feeding and Changing.

High School- Well...I need to start some scholarships. Letters of Recommendation. Another paper. Talk to my consular about next quarter and such.

Life:

Well I def need to get my license still. A job. Figure out which boy I REALLY want. and just yeah. finish all the above.

That's about all for now.

<3>

I wanna talk about how bomb I look

haha jk.





So I'm really txtually frustrated. Yes, txtually. I haven't heard from Reece in like days. or even a week. I don't know, I lost count. I've even cmmted him. I mean what the hell!!! I just wanted to know if he likes me or not. DAMN!

Anyone up for a heartbreak?

New status=Single and ready to mingle. hehe

Yeah, I still feel pretty beat up about it, but that's her fault that she doesn't want to be with someone as great as me. There's many many fish in the sea to wasting it on someone who doesn't even feel the same way. Also, I think the love of my life
thinks I'm psychotic since i've txted him on saturday saying that I need to know if he likes me or not, blah blah blah. right. and then again on monday saying will you just give me an answer blah blah blah. So now I don't know what to do. Rachel suggested that he's trying to be not so needy, cuz his ex told him he was. But the very fact is that I love needy ppl. To a point. But if it was the love of my life!! Helloooo. I would want him to be all over me. I don't want to txt him and tell him cuz I've already txted him too much. I hate that ppl start thinking your crazy becuz you just think about someone always, I mean I can't help it...

As I anticipated for that wretched city bus I thought back to a time when I was in love. I would not like to recall what I looked like only because I did not know who I was or what I pursued in, but i did know what i wanted and that was Reece.He stole my heart away that very moment he looked into my eyes. It wasn't out of attraction nor disgust. just as is. His eyes would always remind me of the beautiful spring midday skies. and I think how could someone make someone so beautiful? When he looks at me, for that moment everything seems to be okay, but i know reality is as twisted as my mind. For seven years now I've been in love with him. but does he care? I think he enjoys watching me struggle to get so close just so he can pull away. So many opportunities, and so many chances we had together wasted. I know that all the girls he dates are completely wrong for him, and in each of my relationships something is missing. I wouldn't wish to say that I'd only hope that he was happy in the end, only if the end was with me. I don't understand. He keeps repeating he wants to find that special someone, when in fact that special someone is right in front of him. Unless I'm so worthless that he wouldn't even consider me to be that person.

There's no way to word how perfect is. Even his flaws are perfect. If he had any. He not only stuns me and takes my breath away but whenever he looks my way, says my name, talks to me, does anything involving me I turn into complete slush. I feel really ugly and stupid around him. He's captivating, addicting, and brilliant. So many memories come to mind. One in particular when he begged and begged for me to let this gross guy walk me to the ball but I denied and said that if it was you I would. He asked if he could have the first slow dance. I was ecstatic and impatiently waited for that song. "I do cherish you" finally came on and i looked and looked but he was nowhere to be found. I got swept away by his best friend who was very grabby and his hands kept slipping on purpose. He walked in midsong with a face full of disappointment and so was I. My first slow dance was suppose to be with him and got ruined. Now he's just some guy I slow danced with. But that dance, my dreams came true in the worst way possible. I tripped over his feet and soaked his shirt with my nervous palms. We looked away a lot. Trying to not make things awkward even though they already were. How can something be so embarrassing yet be the best moment in my life.

If I've ever got three wishes, or even one wish. He'd of course be in one. Not saying that I'm completly obsessed over him, because it's not like that at all. The very thought of losing him completely brings tears to my eyes, or even the thought of all this time wasted to find that he doesn't even care about me. Not even a fraction. My three wishes would probably be mainly about him 1. I wish that Reece was a taurus or a virgo. Why? He's aquarius and totally shows it and I completly hate that. 2. I wish that Reece would possibly even consider the fact that it's killing me to wait. 3. I wish I was his special someone.

It's really hard not to go a day without thinking about him or wonder if he's going to text me back. I try to keep busy with other guys passing in and out of my life, but he will always be the last person I'll think about right before I go to sleep.

Okay Okay.

Some Normal Facts:
Name:Jennifer
Birth date:April 26th
Zodiac:Taurus
Eye color:Blue Gray
Hair color:brown
Ht:5'2''
Wt: currently 118
before the holidays:110
Four years ago:135
Lowest it's been:105
Where I want it:108
Birthmarks: cow shaped on my left upper leg, red dot on my bottom right lip.
Freckles: guessing about 25,000!
Boys I Like a lot: Hayden and Reece
Boys I've seen which we only say hi, look my way, smile, or whatnot:Luke, Tien, Izaiah, Marcus, My Ex's brother, can't think...
I have a tiny crush on my best friend, but she's straight. :/

Favorites:
Colors:Bright! and black
Music:techno and screamo/emo
Movies:edward scissorhands, classic chick flicks like 10 things I hate about you, never been kissed, Romy and Michelle's blahblahblah...
Hobbies I suppose:painting, playing the piano horribly, doodling, singing, dancing horribly, cooking, cleaning, knitting, sewing, scrapbooking, photography, modeling, shopping, writing, friends, making out, flirting, giving presentations, beating up ppl, gettin krazy, spinning in circles, blowing bubbles, talking to myself, walking around, acting like I'm 5, hugging, learning about random interesting things

Turn on the light
Blue eyes/green eyes, sweet, cute, dark hair, confident, smart, witty, cleaver, strong at times I mean I hope he can open the jar of pickles for me, dorky..Nerds!

What I don't care for
Potheads, drug addicts includes alcohol, dumbasses, smelly ppl, gross conversations as in shit, farting, anal things..blahblahblah, gangsters, preps, extremely goth, old ppl, creepsters.

Biggest turn on:
Playing the piano very well! I could marry them that instant!!
or the are complete nerd status hahaha
oh godd...I will never forget this gorgeous nerd, but I never got the chance to talk to him...I was on his graduation...but I was too shy at the time. You know the type...Glasses, cute little geeky laugh, sigh...

I'm not big on politics..
Or History.

I love drama and art!
Majoring is Nursing...I know it's an off topic, since I love the arts soo much, but i do like money

<3 Jennifer

Just Friends.

ugh...like i said "he loves me", "he hates me"...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been crushed again. Not so severe as the last time I've been crushed, but quite significant. For the past three days, I've been controlling him like he wanted and we had a bet going today that whoever touches is the winner's slave. Of course, he lost, but I wasn't in the mood to push him around. So He's like do you want this or not. My biggest fear is that if i say that I don't want to be his Domme that he will stop txting me. I know, I know. Obsessive, but it's true. I mean I would hate to feel that he only started talking to me becuz he had a feeling that I would maybe do anything for him. Which is true. I mean for god sake's I told him to gag himself, take 6 enemas or more, welt himself a bijillion times, and verbally abused him. Which I would never do to anyone. The crazy things you do for love.


So now where am I? Exactly where I started, except now I know the deepest secret anyone could tell. I finally got in the mood to push him around and half way through the punishment, he gave quits. Not becuz of the pain, but becuz he felt so wrong. And I swear I didn't say anything wrong. Now he's broken and I'm crushed. And were just friends.

My god! This brought tears of joy to my eyes!!!

Ok It's difficult to explain. All day I've been talking to the boy that owns my heart. Well The boy that will always have a place in my heart. He revealed a very serious secret. Which mostly you can tell what it is in the next paragraph. Of course, I was freaked out a little by it. But as he has a place I could not deny him and agreed to be his domme. full time. And was aware what that brings. I would have full control of his life, practically. And I have to punish him everytime he doesn't follow my orders, or does something that I didn't tell him to do. The punishments include spanking, whips, nipple clamps, exercising naked, and ass fucking... Well as for a punishment I made him write a 500 word devotion to me. and here it is:

I am devoted fully to My Princess Jennifer. I am not worth to be her slave and am the luckiest animal on this earth to be accepted by her. I am a dirty filthy animal who doesn’t deserve anything. I don’t even deserve a name or a body. She owns my body. The most pathetic part of which is her cock. It is a hairless and pathetic cock that a little boy would be ashamed of. This only demonstrates My Princess’s generosity. I am filth. I do not deserve life. My life is hers. I exist only to please my Princess and to be used as her toy and slave. My dream is to one day be able to please my princess with her cock, but I am not worthy and will not be without devoted service of a ling time. I do pray that she will allow me to use my mouth to please her before that though. I dream of tasting my Princess’s wetness. I am very grateful she has agreed to train me so that one day I may be worthy of her. When she excepted me as her slut and slave I thought only of the pleasures I could bring her and punishment I deserve and would receive from her. I don’t deserve her. She is too beautiful to put into words but I will try. Her hair flows brown like a sea of beauty. I hope one day I will get to feel it and smell it. Her eyes are pools of shimmering glass, which I hope that she will use to look at me with worthiness, instead of the worthlessness that I deserve as her dirt. Her breasts are gods gift to the worthy world, which I am not part of. I was once lucky enough to feel them but did so wrongly. I hope one day to be worth enough to suck on them and feel them again. I can only dream that I would one day get to have a titty fuck as a reward for pleasing her. I dream one day to have her beautiful lips around the head of her cock as a reward for pleasing her in some way. I would at least dream of the chance to kiss her beautiful lips but I know I may never be worthy. My greatest dream is to one day be able to place her puny cock in to her sweet wetness that I am not worthy of. I hope to taste her wetness one day. That for her pleasure she would sit on my face so that I may taste and pleasure her until she has been pleasured into unconsciousness. She deserves everything and more of what she has. She deserves better then me. My Princess only deserves perfection and that is what I will strive for. I am not worthy to be her slave and am the luckiest animal o this earth to be given the gift of her punishment. I am Fully devoted to My Princess Jennifer.

'09 bby!

I feel a bit hyper today. I did have a venti Mocha Frapp...so...lol. Ugh. School Starts back up again on Monday. I have like millions of goals to finish by 2010! Mainly by May...for school. Lol. Let's see.

Things to do in '09:
-Job
-License/Battery in Car
-CNA Degree
-AA Degree
-Senior Project
-Graduate High school
-Save up to put down on a house :)($10,000)
-WSU Application
-SATs
-new laptop, this one sucks
-continue my sewing, but moree often
-Be in a play. :)
-Prom! <3
-Spring Break Getaway!!! <3
-Scrap that book!

There's tonz more...but i can't think.
Suppa soak dat hoe.

Gahh...I don't know what to say.

gasp! it's almost bedtime. haha rightt... 

I was really lame today. Woke up around 10am from the sun. Ugh. and basically was in my room all day. on the Internet... hahaha. I'm not addicted. It's just there's nothing better to do. I can't go anywhere. haha. I feel so lameee. 

Next Monday, winter quarter starts in college and one of my classes is stage makeup! I'm so excited! I can't believe that through tout my high school years, drama was considered weird, but when I'm a senior...It seems like everyone is in it. Or maybe I'm just weird like drama ppl and I haven't noticed that I attract the Drama ppl to be my friends. haha. I really wanted to take a drama class too! I just never found time. and since Speech class last spring made me so much more comfortable about talking in general...I think I would be really good at it. I'm hyper all the time. But stage makeup!! OMG! I'm excitedddd!!!  You have no idea. haha 

Tomorrow is new year's eve. ugh.. Family coming over...playing games...It's always the same. and I've already scared off my cousins about coming out. So i'll be alone in a corner. Wahhh. I've tried inviting my friends over, but let's face it who would want to entertain me when they have parties to go to, right? hahah 

This entry is pretty lame. I just had a feeling of writing. I mean typing. Since no one is on. I'm waiting for a reply that's nvrr coming. ugh. I should juust go watch a movie or something.

I'll just be sitting here waiting for my prince charming to show up. 

chump change!

it's all rubbish!!! 

It's official, I've gone temporary insane.