Peek-a-boo

Hot pink! Electric green. Neon blue. Rainbow vomit,everywhere! My eyes are blinded by all the bright colors. Closed eyes, I still see it just like it was two minutes ago. Soft music plays in the background. On the ceiling, a heart mobile hangs. The glitter glistens against the light. The felt hearts barely move. My heart races. The air is stale now. Frozen with sweat. Time ticks. I blink and space blurs, focusing on a photo. I'm laughing with my two best friends. The sun kisses my skin as
we joke about easier times. The river behind us is inviting. A line of sweat drips down my face. My knees become weak, I need to sit. The floor is chilling compared to my flooded palms. I'm relived for a moment, chased with a overwheming flash of heat. My heart is throbbing. My head aches. Pounding noises ring in my head. The pressure is too much. I think back to a vacation months back. Staring into the ocean horizon, my thoughts were empty but meaningful. Waves crashing against my feet as I walked towards the end of earth. Pain goes away with each step. Worries subside as my mind is filled with peace. A smile finds a way to my mouth. It's cracked and seeping bigger. A giggle sneaks out. I remember when you thought you could change me. Laughing like a fresh joke was in the air. I've simply lost my mind. Twirling, spashling water, and collecting all the cream. If the candy man can, I can too.

I'm slowly losing grip on this motivation train.

Currently in my life, I have been trying to figure out what I want to major in. I thought I knew that my passion was nursing, but recently and new thinking has me feeling that I'm not a nurse. That's not who I am. I'm not interested in that field. I just wanted to be like my grandmother. Everyone always said, Good for you to know what you want to be this early, but now I'm at a crossroad. As I'm finishing up my AA degree, classes required for nursing are so hard to get in. They fill up so fast. I'm slowly losing grip on this motivation train.

I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I'm really interested in. Career tests are no help either. They all say I should be a nurse.

I just don't know anymore. There's just nothing I'm great at.

Ecstasy

My boyfriend handed me half a tablet of the purple pistol and a bottle of water. He looked away for a second, while I swallowed the pill. We were just sitting there watching a movie while waiting for his best friend and his brother came over. He told me to walk around that will help me to digest the pill faster. He warned me that I'll start to feel funny in about a half hour or so. He told me that I shouldn't freak out, just take deep breaths. About ten minutes later, his friends arrive. They start setting up the rave lights and music. Not to mention the fog machine. While waiting for the pills to kick in, we set off a dry ice bomb and smoke cigarettes. My boyfriend's pill kicks in at this moment and he's having the time of his life rolling around on the floor feeling the carpet. He kept asking me if I felt funny yet, and I answered no, not yet. At one point, my water bottle in my hands became so interesting to me. The weight of the water going up and down felt so foreign to me. He got me a cup of orange juice to help kick the pill up. Within ten minutes, he asked if I felt funny yet, and I started giggling. He knew. He took my hand and he wanted me to feel everything in sight. We layed down in front of the couch and he told me to feel the velvet couch. I said oh my godd, it feels like butter, Chocolate Butter. I felt as if I was a dragon. or a cat. I keep running in the kitchen feeling so light and floating, I would hid around the corners and crawl on my hands and knees. Rubbing my hands together felt electric. I'd run into my boyfriend's friend and give him hugs and just attack him and feel his body. We'd all lay on each other, and I would see my boyfriend and his friend kissing. He asked me what I would think if he kissed his friend, I told him I would join him. He grabbed my hair and pulled me closer to his friend as if to kiss him, and as soon as I got close enough he pulled me back and said no, your my women. When my boyfriend got up and went somewhere else, His friend and I were alone and I got really close to him and kissed him. He kissed me back and we made out. From that point on, I was obsessed with his kisses, I just wanted more. If my boyfriend left us again, I'd attack his friends for those juicy kisses. Don't get me wrong I love my boyfriend, the pill just made me want to love and kiss everyone.

Happy Monthaversary!!

Dear my beloved Jessy,

I've only been with you for a month, but I feel like we've known each other forever. You always tell me that we meet each other on a whole other level and I get that. I love when I give you a certain look, you know exactly what I'm thinking. Your mind runs a thousand miles per hour, and the thinks you say leave me mind-exploded. I love when you make me laugh. Especially when you give that look. Speaking of your look, I love when you look at me like I'm the only girl you see. Those green eyes leave me speechless every time I look into them. What do I love about you? Everything. When you answer the phone all excited to talk to me, it makes me smile so big. When you hold me in your arms, it makes me feel so safe. When you listen to music that was long off the charts a decade ago, makes me feel so less dorky that I love that music too. Believe me when I say, I've never been happier.

I love you always,
your beautiful angel

I've gotta stop these feelings

They always appear when I start having a relationship. Deep down, I start to get to this feeling like there's and anchor holding down my heart. It drags me down. Even though, I'm happy to be with this person. They're my everything. So perfect. These feelings always get in the way. Before I just let them show, I let them see the real me. I'd just sit there, staring off into space. The room would feel so loud and empty. I imagine that if I just sit there, they'd go away eventually, but boys are so clueless and don't take the hint. They try to cheer me up, fix things, and stay. Which the matters worse. They go in for a hug, I pull away. They ask what's wrong, I ignore them. I hate these feelings. This won't happen again. I won't show him this side of me. I won't be depressed. Not this time.

Jessy Mendoza

There's always that one person throughout high school, where you pass them in the hallway all the time and you have this huge crush on them. Throughout High school, there was this boy named Jessy Mendoza. I would see him coming towards my direction and everything stopped working and rushed at the same time. We would always look at each other, but nothing more. I would always sit in the student services when I had an extra hour. His mom works the desk, so he would come in sometimes. He would look at me, but just continue with what he was doing. I didn't know what he thought of me. I just knew that he was the cutest thing in the world. A couple months ago, I was at CBC walking with my friends, and there he was walking towards my direction. My heart stopped. On Facebook, He was in my friend suggestions, and I added him. He added me within minutes and he started texting me. We finally shared our secrets that we had crushes on each other since high school. We were so in sync. On Tuesday after his work, he picked me up. It felt so natural. We'd stare into each other's eyes and kiss each other. He told me, How did you get to be so perfect? I told him, I could ask the same thing about you. We both thought where have you been all my life? He asked me to be his girlfriend, and for the first time in my life my answer was not sure. He answered my prayer below.

"Please pick me up. Keep my mind off this. Show me life can get better. I just want someone to turn to. To stop these tears, and begin the laughs. I want that old rush again. Crushes crush me. Hookups leave me cold. I want something pure. I want to call it my own. I want to be on your mind all the time. I want you to be on mine. I want you to be as caring as me. I want to look in those green/blue eyes and feel so safe. I want it to be elementary again. Where your smile plays in my head all day. I want you to blush whenever I tell you how cute I think you are. I want you to be there whenever I need you. I want you to want me. I want you to love me. Where holding my hand, satisfies your needs. I want your voice to be soothing as you sing me to sleep or as you tell me stories as I lay on your chest. I want you to make all the other girls jealous that I have you. I want you to call me gorgeous and cute. I want your kisses to be amazing that I never want to stop. I want you to be strong enough to tell me no when we go to far. I want you to be you. I'm not asking for much. Just for that one somebody. Whose into me as much as I'm into them."

Somebody,

Please pick me up. Keep my mind off this. Show me life can get better. I just want someone to turn to. To stop these tears, and begin the laughs. I want that old rush again. Crushes crush me. Hookups leave me cold. I want something pure. I want to call it my own. I want to be on your mind all the time. I want you to be on mine. I want you to be as caring as me. I want to look in those green/blue eyes and feel so safe. I want it to be elementary again. Where your smile plays in my head all day. I want you to blush whenever I tell you how cute I think you are. I want you to be there whenever I need you. I want you to want me. I want you to love me. Where holding my hand, satisfies your needs. I want your voice to be soothing as you sing me to sleep or as you tell me stories as I lay on your chest. I want you to make all the other girls jealous that I have you. I want you to call me gorgeous and cute. I want your kisses to be amazing that I never want to stop. I want you to be strong enough to tell me no when we go to far. I want you to be you. I want a country background in your life. Maybe that comes with a southern drawl? I'm not asking for much. Just for that one somebody. Whose into me as much as I'm into them.

Marijuana

Why am I so stuck on this day? I sit and replay every moment I could possibly remember. Soon enough, It all becomes a blur. The movements, the tears, the words. I can't even think right now.

Was i out of line? Did i say something way too honest to make you run and hide like a scared little boy?

Epiphany

Looking back on my Journals, I was really unfair with Love. I liked one guy on Monday then Friday comes and I'm into another guy. I've led a lot of people on. I got up and ran when something good was coming my way. I always looked in the dark alleys for my love interests. Some one who was bad. Some one who pushed me around, but could end up sweet at the end of the day.

Leo was my very first boyfriend. He was so perfect, and I just let him go. For what? A rockstar who couldn't keep his hands to himself who eventually left me for another girl when I didn't give it up. Who drastically altered my life after that. He made me think that virginity wasn't a gift. Anything but that. It made me run into the arms of any guy that would take it. He made me believe that my virginity was a disease. I just wanted to get rid of it. After that, tragedy after tragedy occurred. That guy left me for another girl. I ran to whoever was available and fell so hard for Tyler. Five months later, he left me for another girl.

I refused boys for awhile and turned into a lesbian. Dated a girl who five months later left me for another girl. I ran again to whoever was available. Christian. My first real true love. I was tired of everyone leaving me. I didn't want the broken heart anymore. I didn't want to be crushed. I went behind his back with cheap thrills. I craved those "new butterflies". Unfortunately, Christian couldn't give me those feelings again. It wasn't fair to him at all. I really did care for him. That's why I told him all the truth. The truth was too much for him to bear. I tried to fix things. The cravings were just too strong for me. I wanted him to yell at me, put me in my place, and let me make it up to him. The addiction grew and he had enough. During the three months, deep regret and guilt overwhelmed me. I wanted to fix things...

So the story goes that he left me for another girl.

But what I'm realizing, reading back on my journals, that I'm finding myself falling back in love with Leo. To actually give him that chance he never really got back in high school.
You see, Butterflies start to rush every time I see his name light up on my phone.
Memories of his smile and green eyes run through my mind all day.
And how he says my name so soothing to my ears...
Jeeennnnnniiiifffeeerrrr

It started with Leo... It might very well end with him.
Your right Christian, Nice boys do finish last.

Added to July 2010:
Leo is just like all the rest. I suppose after I broke his heart, he changed. After that thrill of him, I just kept my heart open. Single was looking good for awhile. I had so much on my mind anyways. I had my friends, my education, and that career to find. It was nice to go out and not have to worry about breaking some one's heart. I could be as selfish as I wanted to be. I wasn't a beggar, so I could be a chooser. I wasn't looking for some schmuck, just so I didn't face the fact that I was alone. God knows I wasn't alone. I was just honestly picky for once. I mean sure, I went through a cowboy stage, and "went out" with a few guys, but turns out they're not for me. I was just dazed.

I've took risks before, on contacting people, but this was different. I don't even know how to put it. A twist in my story. I've had all the guys I've ever wanted, but this was different. There's always that one guy, but you never know how to strike up a conversation. You never have class with them, or don't share friends, or never happen to be next to each other at a school event. Just share glances on the way to class. I simply added him and one thing led to another. Now were planning to get married.

For once, I don't want to be with anyone else. I find myself falling deeper in love everytime I'm with him. Typeing that, makes me smile and that's all I need. :)

Baby Blue Eyes...

Just when life seems okay, I'm turned around and all alone.

I'm staring at the phone...

I'm driving to nowhere...

I'm laying alone...

It's the songs that get to me. "Who I am hates who I've been..." "Don't say goodbye..." "Dance with me one last time" "Quit crying your eyes out, baby" "I had to give you away.."

If this is Karma, I'm living it to the fullest everyday.

I've tried sucking all the poison out, but what I've done is sucked the life out of me.

Jennifer Lynn is no more.

She's dead...

No more baby blue eyes.

They've turned gray

Guys are all Jerks

I will no longer make excuses for why you didn't text back, or why you bailed on me and then later blame your friends for not hanging out with me.

You ALL ARE JERKS.

It doesn't take that much effort to text back.

When you tell me I'm the only one you want, or when you become single just to hang out with me.

It's all a lie.

When you say you'll always love me and that you'll always be there for me.

It's all a lie

Talk is cheap.

Your promises are shit.

Meaningless.

Why do you feel the need to lead me on?

If it's not going to happen then don't talk about it happening.

I'm so done with guys hitting on me just to get me in their pants.

They don't even ask if I even want the sex or not.

I hate that they lead me up to their room and over power me.

It's not fair. It's fucking bullshit.

You're all the same. I'm done.

Sleeping Beauty and Prince Cowboy

Once upon a time, there was a sophomore girl named Jennifer. She had this class called Tech Lit. It was your basic computer class. The girl lived her life as an emotional hopeless romantic. She wished everyday to fall in love. That very day she sat down next to a boy. She heard about this boy before. Her friends all tried to set her up with this boy. Her friends dated his friend. She only heard him in stories. All good things.

As each day went on, they shared class assignments and got lost in their own world filled of laughter. They started hanging out more and more at lunch. It was one day, when they were hanging out with his friends that one of them asked if they were dating. The girl replied a quick no as Leo nodded his head behind Jennifer. After lunch, Jennifer and Leo walked in the hallway. He turned to face Jennifer. "Will you be my girlfriend?" He proclaimed. "Sure..." Jennifer replied. "Sure? What does that even mean?!" He asked. "Yes, then." She answered.

Jennifer's next class was Math. It was where Hell took place. The devil himself as a classmate. Ryan Hubbs is what he called himself. His high sex appeal drew her in. His words melted her. She could've died if he wanted that, but he didn't want her for that. He wanted to trick and deceive her. He pulled her in to let her watch her world crumble around her. Two days later, she broke up with Leo, and fell for the devil's quest.

A week is all he needed to crush poor Jennifer's heart. He ran off with her affection and her untouched lips. She never heard from Leo again.

Three years later, Jennifer is sitting up in here room looking through her old journals. She comes across Leo's phone number and gets the the nerve to text it. It was about one in the morning, so she didn't expect a text back from the number that night. She went to bed full of wonder and memories as she drifted off to sleep. When morning sunshine peeked through her blinds, her eyes opened. Her ritual routine was to automatically check her phone for missed texts. To her surprise, the number texted her back confirming it was Leo and asked who it was. They immediately hit it off, getting to know each other all over again.

He invited her over to hang out at his place on the upcoming Saturday. As she drove over to his house, she got nervous with each block. When she turned onto his road, she called him up to make sure she didn't pass it. While she was talking to him, she passed his house and he told her to reverse up the whole block to his house. Which made her more nervous to drive backwards up the street, but she managed. Once she got to his house, he greeted her at her door with a giant hug. He looked the same as of three years ago. The first thing she noticed was his cowboy attire. He was everything she ever imagined. He was something different. He wore tight wranglers, worker's boots, a red flannel, and topped off with a cameo hat. He brought her around the bonfire and introduced his friends to me. There was four others. His friend, Tyler, remembered me from the past and told me how different I looked in a good way. He was way past drunk as he danced around the flames to the country music from the radio. Leo and Jennifer sat and stared at the fire, too shy to speak. He looked up at her smiling face and asked if she was bored yet. She shook her head and said it was better than being stuck at home. He smiled back.

About a half hour passed by. Leo stood up and said "Let me give you a tour of the house." She followed him into the dark garage into the house. He took her straight up the stairs to his room. That's when he looked back at her, and she caught the glisten in his green eyes. She always thought that his eyes were brown, but at that moment she grew more attraction to him. She almost buckled her knees to the discovery. He pulled her from the hallway into his arms to his room. He slid his arms around her and went in for a kiss. They backed up and he gently lowered to the bed. The grace blew her away. Everything about Leo was mind-boggling. His style, his voice, his eyes, and his hospitality. Laying there with him, made her feel so safe. It was probably his bulging biceps and his wash-board abs that made her feel that way. She already felt so comfortable while they laid and shared past memories. She never wanted the night to end. She attacked him with kisses, and he held her so tight.

The clock was about to strike midnight, and we all know what happens when it strikes midnight. Leo took her by the hand and led her out to her car. They held each other for the last time and ended it with a passionate kiss. "Take care, now." The soothing country voice was music to her ears. She hardly could get into her car, her knees melted so much. She drove off smiling.

To Be Continued...

Phil Bowman

What can I say...

Breath Taking, Literally.

It started out in a elevator in 2007. The connection was there way before we even knew each other. The facts are apparent. Reece is his cousin. Everyone can assume the saying, "If you can't him, go for his brother" or cousin in this instance. What is amazes me, is that I didn't even know they were related when I was attracted to him. I just saw him across the baseball field in that Misfits t-shirt, and baseball pants. He was official. I just wore a tight shirt and very short shorts. Pigtails and a cute smile. Seemed to work so I'm never complaining. That was the summer where our eyes met and never left each other. Where we talked during and after dinner for hours. Where our youth group went bowling and we just talked in the lobby. Where I was too gazed to get his number and he left the next morning for Spokane. I thought I would never see him again. That is until Convention came nine months later....

My intentions were fully on Reece. He saw that, and didn't care. Reece was a someone. He was busy in meetings and practices. That left us nobodies (Phil and I) alone to talk. While I was set on Reece, Phil was right there by my side waiting with me for Reece to get out of these meetings. We spent three long days together. On the last night, sparks finally flew between us and we shared our first kiss in the elevator. It couldn't just be anywhere. The security was watching. The elevator was the only place where two people were alone for a few heavenly seconds. It was right before we both got ready for the grand banquet. It was all I needed to be giddy all night. I rushed and got in my formal and redid my makeup. I wanted to look gorgeous and I wanted to see him again. I remember walking down the stairs and at the bottom there he was watching me. He was so handsome. He smiled. I got to the bottom and he handed me a flower. If we weren't watched I know he would have kissed me like no tomorrow. He then escorted me to the grand banquet like the perfect gentleman. Our tables weren't even close to each other. The whole time I tried to look him, but through the millions of heads I couldn't spot his. I waited outside the doors after the banquet for him. On the tables there were Hotwheels for the theme of the Convention, and to make up for us not going to the ice cream social he handed me a ice cream truck hotwheel. It was perfect. We headed toward the grand ball. We sat at tables, both too nervous to dance. I saw Reece and he asked me to slow dance. I took his hand and Phil didn't mind. He knew he was better than Reece.

The dance with Reece was not magical. I tried so hard to pull him close for a kiss. Our first kiss. He pulled away. I pulled again. "Jen, no. They are watching." Always the excuse. I tried again. He broke away from the dance and left. I never saw him again that night.

Phil took my hand and we danced. We danced until we got bored. We left to the elevators... He told me to meet him at the spot after we change back into casual. Around 2am we were all alone in a huge hotel. What do two lonely teens do after everyone else goes to bed? Exactly. We didn't go too far. We were in a hallway. We stayed out til the sun came up. The morning we never got to say goodbye. Everyone was rushing to check out. His goodbye was through text. I never knew when I was going to see him again.

We both went on with our lives. Having each other in the back of our minds.

Two weeks ago, He texted me. Right when he went through my mind, his text came up. He told me that he was coming down in two weeks for his sister's soccer game and that he wants to hang out with me to do all the cutesy couple stuff.

About a few days before he comes down, he had to take his dad's Harley out for a spin and get grounded. He still came down and I still got to see him. If you think sneaking around a hotel while he leaves every few minutes to check on his family as seeing him. He was grounded, and couldn't do much. Sure we snuck a few kisses here and there, a few "I missed you so much", a few embraces, a few "You've grown so much"... It only felt like I held on to him for a second.

He says he'll come down next month to make it up to me.

Next year, he said that while I'm up there for college, he will visit me almost everyday. That he is going to be the best boyfriend I ever had. That he only wants me. That I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen...

If he only knew...

I've become a pessimist about love.

If it all comes true... Then... I guess...

I'll thank God.

Let's Call Quits

I've been dragging my feet around for the past three months now. Well let me tell you.. My feet fucking hurt. They are torn up, bled out, and bruised black. It's time to put them back up on my pedestal. It's time to be taken care of again. There's no use getting through to you. You're a brick wall. Brick by boring brick. I've huffed. I've puffed. I've cried. I've begged. Nothing.

Enough is enough. You have lost this opportunity. There are mannyyy mannyyy boys just like you, and they are all knocking at my door. For weeks, I've been hiding in this bed not letting them in.

It's hard to say, but I've met someone. She understands my situation and we deeply care about each other. From the first day I met her, we've had this deep connection. I believe she can make me a better person. I like the fact that she is very spiritual and religious. I love the fact that she is just like Ellen Page and Avril. I love the fact that she makes jewelry too. I love that we don't need anything to entertain us to be together. We just need each other. I love that "energy" that we both know what we're thinking and it doesn't even need to be said. I can't wait to get to know her more.

Sigh... And she is a Taurus! A stubborn taurus. She took me to another dimension and it felt great. The bracelet she gave me still amazes me that it originally was just a wire. Thank you Jesus for telling me to walk across the room at that party to introduce myself and to spend the whole night at her side. Thank you for all you've done.

Here's to the future and what it will bring

Part of me will not give up on my precious Christian. I love him dearly. I miss everything about him. From his shaggy hair to his dirty toes. He will find his way back, I can feel it. We belong together. We were meant to be. Sure I screwed up, because I wasn't listening to my heart, to my Jesus and let the devil take over and make sins. I repent those sins.

The whole ordeal has left me dull. I no longer get horny. Any person who brings up sex, I get disgusted. It has left me with so much regret, that I don't even want to have sex with anyone. I don't enjoy flirting. Talking about it, just pisses me off really. Like right now, I'm starting to feel rage just thinking about sex. Smoking pot just makes it worst. The people that I smoke with try to get me in the sack. It pisses me off so much. Guys that hit on me, It's just annoying. It's plain ridiculous. Human beings are suppose to be sexual. Here I am, not. That pisses me off. Sex pisses me off. It's meaningless. No one truly cares anymore. They all just want to get laid. Feelings are no longer involved.

No one has made me cry during sex like Christian has. That sex has meaning. That sex has feeling. I truly care about him.

You can see the two parts of me in this blog.

Part one: Give up, Move on. Look at all the people that want you.

Part two: He's coming back. Just one more week. Those people don't care

Part one: He seems to be getting no where... This guy says he only wants you..

Part two: He said 110%, I can wait. That guy only wants me in bed

Part one: Jen, look at this guy... He's wayy hotter

Part two: Christian's eyess....

Part one: Stop crying

Part two: Can't stop crying

Part one: You miss him huh?

Part two: Yes! ALOT!

Part one: okay we'll wait

Part two: It's worth it.

Part one: better be.

Part two: I hope so too. Stop making me cry

Part one: Turn off the sad songs then

Part two: I can't, they understand what I'm going through

Part one: Then quit complaining

Part two: It's hard waiting this long

Part one: I know, Jen, I know....

Part two: Sigh...

I have never been great at arguments. I have never been great with getting my point across. When people attack me, I typically lose. When people confront me, I usually break down. I have never been great at all. I'm no angel. I'm no star. I'm just a human. Where do people get off verbally abusing someone. Suffocating me with their name-calling. Do they think I will give up? Because I won't.

I may break down, but I, Jennifer Lynn Olson, am NOT WEAK! I don't give up. I will never back down. Sure I might cry to some hurtful words, but it won't change my mind. You can't push me away to something I love. I will always come back. You can count on that. I don't care what people think of me. I'm me. I'm not trying to approve to any ones expectations.

To those who name-call over text: your a pussy.

Just thinking...

In the beginning of a relationship, the two people are sewn together. They go on with their relationship with those original stitches. Just like a favorite t-shirt the string gets worn into and weak. Each bump in the road makes the stitching unravel. Bump by bump the tear gets bigger. One can decide to let them unravel, or try to fix the stitching. The original stitch will never be there again, but perhaps new string, stronger string, can mend the tear. We know that the relationship will never be new and fresh like the first new day, but with the patchwork and worn in stiches the relationship fits like a favorite pair jeans. Comfortable and there for you, they bring out your best features, and hide your ugly ones, but they love you no matter what.

Fear Is Just a State of Mind

Jennifer Olson
Stress Management
7:30-9:50 Thursdays

I use humor as a defense most of the time. I laugh it off. What’s the point of getting so defensive over something that doesn’t really matter? Opinions of others are not my concern at this point of my life. I only have one life, and I’m not going to base it living up to someone’s standards. I could see myself using denial, repression and rationalization as another mechanisms, but mainly humor.

Dreams come off as wishful thinking. I find some dreams do come true, as in déjà-vu. Like today for example, I dreamt many months ago that I licked my friend’s phone. Who knows why? The dream took place at a different setting but the actions remained the same. I find this to be true with most dreams. Daydreams have a higher chance of becoming true. So yes, I do take a higher value in my dreams and the messages they say to me. Although, I may never fly, fall off that cliff, or get chased by that monster, but the message that lies beneath remains.

I think I have come into terms to accept all that there is. Perhaps a few weeks ago, I was still in the process of accepting a long hard break-up. The first time I thought I accepted it was a lie, because it repeated itself into denial, anger, bargaining, and withdrawal. I hope I have accepted it this time.

I use to think I was a victim of my mother’s punishment that I was always picked on by her. My brothers always seemed to get a lighter punishment and more leash, whereas I got more strict policies about going out on the town. There were always the clothing problems, the curfew, the being in public, who I was with, the checking up on, and so on. It took many years of growing up to realize that I wasn’t a victim, just well loved.

I’m big on worrying and feeling guilty. I think I have improved on becoming less on both, but I still worry about a suicidal friend, or being late to class. I feel guilty when I visit more often with one friend than with another. I try to keep a balance of the friends I spend time with and that puts me under much stress and pressure.

I believe that I semi-explode when I’m angry. Actually, I’m not really the angry type and it really depends on what and who I’m angry with. I explode on my brothers, just because I’m that comfortable showing my emotions to them, and that it’s mainly a game we play. I self-punish when I know I could have done better, such as grades, a social incident, or an opportunity. I suppress the anger between friends. I use sarcasm with anger in difficult, awkward situations such as public anger, or with strangers. I wouldn’t really say anger with that, more like annoyance. Improvement would be much needed in self-punishment. I think I put myself down harder than others do. I use to live by perfection and purity, but came to reality that it could never be accomplished. I still live in remorse with the past decisions I’ve made about my identity as an individual.

I really don’t have much anger to cope with. When I do, I usually write it out on my blog. It lifts somewhat the anger I feel. The rest could be driven out of me by heavy metal music, or letting it go on the dance floor. I have one friend in particular that we get out our anger in a healthy matter by yelling in a normal tone at each other. We’re not mad at each other, we just let out that anger others caused to each of us. It’s a strange way but I know my friend doesn’t mean a single word. Sometimes, I run it out. Emotions are helpful to get the creative artistic side to come out. I use to paint, and draw when I felt victimized. My great pieces came from strong emotions. I think that anger is a part of life, and that we shouldn’t completely ignore it, but put it into use.

My goals are all education and career related. I don’t really have a fear that’s holding me back per say, but I do have fears about how to come about them. I have the fear of growing up and being responsible for myself. I have the fear of going off to college, a big scary place of strangers. I have the fear of letting myself get out of control at the college and letting grades slip. I have fear of looking out my window and feeling all alone. My past fears were overcome by just believing in myself, and to just keep afloat. Fear is just a state of mind, and you can put the mind over matter.

This has been the worst year yet. I wish I could redo last year. I’m so stupid
Why do all these people want me when I’m such a horrible person. I can’t even forgive myself for the actions that I’ve done. I can’t even love another person anymore. I know that I will hurt them. I shouldn't even talk to anybody, all I do is let them down. I’ve already let too many people down, including myself. I am what I didn’t want to be.

A whore. A stoner. A fucking slut. Pregnant?

I’ve let go the only thing worth living for. The only thing I was looking for. I just let it slip through my fingers. I broke it. I left it. I tortured it. It can’t even look me into the eyes anymore. It can’t even tell me anything anymore. It can’t even love me the same way anymore. I’ve ruined it.

I can’t believe something so kind and generous, and I just thought it was just another mark on my post.

I’ve been hurt to, but that doesn’t mean I had to treat it like shit. I think I would’ve rather been cheated on and together then to be dumped. Tyler, for example, dropped me like a bomb. I had no idea why. I thought that our relationship was perfect. Just one day he picks me up and tells me we are over. It's was then after he was gone, that I realized that I was just a rebound girl, and he ended up with his ex in Idaho. Another example, Hector. He lead me to believe that he liked me and that he wanted to go out with me. With me, being so nieve, I believed him and gave up my virginity to be with him. The very next day, he told me that he has found someone else, and never talked to me again. Another example, Dani. I knew that she was just a "hookup" kinda girl, but I thought I could change that. Five months long and she tells me that she wasn't looking for something serious anyways and left. Another Example, Taylor. The only time I don't act like my shy self, turns an oppurtunity into shit. I just took that first and that last kiss a little too far.
Another Example, Ryan. My first kiss. Sophomore year. I guess I got too attached to him, cuz then he started to avoid after he found out that he was my first. It just crushed me.

I've been dumped, ditched, cheated on, lied to, avoided, ignored, hurt.
So many times...

Tell Me Who Should I Be To Make You Love Me

While he was thrusting into me, emotions ran through me. The same emotions came through me when we first had sex. The emotion of this feels so right that it makes me cry. The first time I kept the tears in, because I didn't want him to think I was really weird, crying while I took his virginity. This time, I couldn't hold them in. I've cried so many times in front of him and this I couldn't hold on to. I couldn't control the emotions. I didn't want him to notice me cry, I tried so hard to keep it to myself. Shit, he saw. Louder cries. Now what? fuck, fuck fuck. "Are you okay?" I'm fine, it's just emotions. It's not just emotions. It's everything. He gets up. Fuck, What did I do? I'm so stupid. Ugh. I hate this. So angry at myself.

I stare into his eyes, and I know it's all my fault that we are what we are. How could I ever let that go and forgive myself. I have no idea what to do now. I can't get attached, but it just felt so right. Being there, holding him, holding me...

I know what my kisses meant, If I only knew what his meant...

What I want...

I want to be an important person. I want to make a difference in a person's life. I want to affect them. I want to be the sweetheart. I want to know what to say all the time at any given moment. I want to wake up happy knowing the day is going to be lovely. I want to know my exes know that I care about them. I want people to stop judging me just because I've one too many mistakes. I not only want love but serenity and comfort. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call my dad. I want to be able to ask questions. I want to be brave. I want to be open. I want to be honest. I want to be a lesbian. I want to live...

Comforting Dreams

This is truly home. Softly drifting into dreams, my mind swirls into oblivious. The voices of my relatives comfort me as they converse and laugh. Suddenly I don't feel so alone and cold. My heart feels warm and full. Memories flow through my mind like a creek. Thoughts of happiness and laughter. I'm not alone. Pain loosens this strangle thats gripping at my throat. All worries that I've gained fade. Smiling faces of friends and family appear. I'm up, higher than the skies. So easily to fall but I keep afloat. This air beneath me is strong yet so weak. My mind keeps twirling into technicolor and on I drift. It seems so dark yet so vibrant. Deeper and deeper in emotions. Mostly comfort comes to mind. The people that have held me up when I was rock bottom, the people that have supported me through my tough times, the people that has helped me throughout my life. I'm drowning in the warmth, but it's not a feeling I dislike. It's not burning, it's a cozy warm. Like when your mother wraps you in her arms and rocks you to sleep. I'm enjoying every minute. Skies are gray, but mine are blue. The sun is gone, mine still shines. The rain is pouring, I hear the music it plays for me. It's my own lullaby. Colors are brighter than ever. Foods are distinct. Sleep is not lost. I feel refreshed. A clean slate is on the horizon. I see it. I see myself acheiving it. It is what I want. It is what I need. My future. It's so clear to me. The warmth has now turn cool. Not cold, nor freezing. A brisk fresh air. Spring air. Pink roses and morning rain. Wind blows through my hair. My nose tingles as the sun smiles down at me. She's proud. I'm proud. The birds sing and the bees buzz. What a lovely day I think to myself. My path is set for me. Many doors along the way. Shall I choose a door or shall I stay on this path? I see some doors are white and big, like mansion doors. With Greek towers on either side or those lion statues. Other doors are unfinshed rough wood. Nails sticking out. Holes through them. I peek in those holes, and see the path on the other side. Abandoned and broken is all I feel. I continue down this path I'm on and see if a door looks interesting enough for me to walk through.

Fuck this New Year!

Every year it starts the same...

I'm with my family...
I'm Heartbroken...
No New Year's Kiss...
Some Ex always texts me and pisses me off...
My Cousin always gets on my nerves...
I did something new with my hair...
I'm in my "emo"state...

Always the fucking same.

FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT! I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF! I CAN NOT STAND THIS FUCKED UP FUCKING WORLD! WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND SO FUCKING DUMB! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK MOTHERFUCKER! I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT! FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Omg I'm just fucking raging right now. Why did he have to fucking text me and why the fuck can't I just ignore it?

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I'm going to get drunk.
Peace.

Thought of the Day

Fuck me.

Jennifer's Lullaby

Right before I go to sleep I think of...

The past.

Mistakes.

Of letting myself go.

Of letting myself down.

Of letting myself become this way.

Of letting us stop going to that psychiatrist.

Of how each day I live in some regret and great remorse.

Goals Achieved.

Of how I got my CNA degree.

How I graduated high school.

How I did suberb on my Senior Project.

How I learned my favorite song on piano all by myself.

How I started this blog and how far I've come along.

Love.

How I wasted all the time on Reece.

How I thought I would have him one day.

How I let everyone know about my crush.

How I let him control me.

How I told his mother I liked him and

how she told me she would like me as a daughter.

How I let myself fall so hard when he didn't do anything.

How he got his way.

How angry I was when his ex just walked all over him.

How he just let it happen.

How he looked at me like I meant nothing.

Like my love didn't even matter.

How naieve I really am about my relationships.

How if I really paid attention I would see how exactly it would end.

How perfect my first kiss was and betrayal followed it.

Enemys.

How to this day Stephanie STILL talks about me.

How many theroies as to why she is.

How they say that she is in love with me and how much I loathe her guts.

How I had somewhat of a crush on her when we were friends.

Best Friends!

The bestest friends in the world.

How I don't even know why we broke up.

That she doesn't even know why we broke up.

Memories of lust, crimes, lies, and good times.

I think of...

The present.

Juan and if we'll ever hang out.

Of how I sorta drawn to him.

We have many memories on the bus of us sitting together,

tickleing each other,

walking around after school.

I mean I liked him more than Roy.

I was really drawn to both,

but I didn't want to mess up the friendship.

Luis and if he'll accidentally fall for me, again.

I don't want another heart to heart

of him telling me that he really likes me.

I really like him as a guy friend,

and I don't want him to think of me as something more.

Roy and if he killed himself tonight,

and how I had feelings for him

but I didn't want to get involved.

His depression really got in the way

of us really being something anyhow.

Even though, we talked for hours

and I actually took him away

from all his depressed thoughts.

I will never forget when he said that

"Roy thinks that Jennifer and Him should be together."

It broke my heart that I knew things wouldn't work out

and how I wished they could.

Harvey and if He's okay with his loss

and how I could do something about it.

How optimistic and strange he really is.

That I really enjoy talking to him.

If he'll ever find that special someone.

Sarah and how I love her so much

and if she'll ever consider dating my cousin

and the same for my cousin.

That I'm really glad that we became friends again.

I really hope she comes to Spokane with me.

I don't want to go alone.

Eleni and how I love her too

and how I love her boyfriend

and I love that she didn't need the help

finding that perfect somebody and neither do I.

I hope I don't get a crush on her boy toy.

That is one mess I don't want to get into.

Family and how they will always be there for me.

My Grandma and how I don't want her to die ever.

I will miss her too much.

People that have passed through my life.

An Ex that's back in town

and how he tells Luis to call me

so he can talk to me, but I'm on the phone

and he won't reply.

I think of....

The future.

If I'll ever receive that text I'm so patiently waiting for.

If tomorrow will be a better day or not.

If I'll get swept off my feet.

If I'll get into WSU.

If I'll get my AA degree.

If my employer will call me.

If Christian will come back into my life.

Or if I'll find someone else.

If I'll break down and call him up.

If I'll control myself not to.

If this cold will ever go away.

If my dad will ever talk to me.

If It's too late to pay for winter quarter.

If I need my SATs for WSU.

If Reece will ever realize what he did.

If Kendra will ever call me.

If April will ever pay me back

If Stephanie will ever accept my apology

If Brandon will come home safe.

If my dad will ever stop smoking

If my sister, Morgan ever like me.

If Sean and I will ever be close again.

If Tasha and I will ever be close again.

If...

To Christian:

The other day, I was cleaning my room and I found a letter I forgot to give to you. It was meant to go into your yearbook, because, to this day, I have not signed it. Here's what it said:

Dear Christian,

Since you didnt' make my yearbook full of sap, I might as well fill yours. I love everything about you from your skinny little body to your gorgeous eyes. I love how you treat me and wait on me hand and foot. I'd never want to lose that! Thank you for everything you do; Driving me to school, paying for everything, massages, and explaining things. Your my everything that I've always wanted. No one else can compare. One in a 7 billion, baby!

Your Highschool Sweetheart,
<3 Jennifer Olson
(later, masturbater)

To the side of it was a cute little doodle of a girl(me) and boy(you) holding a heart.

If you ever want the original, It's here along with my heart.
That's all.

New Goals for the New Year

"Run, Baby, Run. Don't ever look back.

Don't say were not meant to be. Forever will be, You and Me."

Year 2010:

• AA Degree, I need fucking funds!
• WSU Fall! already did the app! WOOP WOOP
• March-April That new job.
• Lose 25 lbs by Feb.
• I don't think I need SATS?!
• Spring Break (Cali) Bring SARAH AND ELENI!
• Octopus Tattoo!
• My Butt Tattoo b4 Summer! (hehe)
• Become a HOTASS BITCH!!!
• Get a tan
• Hope Brandon comes home b4 my bday!
• NO BOYS! FUCK THAT!
• SCHOOL AND WORK SCHOOL AND WORK SCHOOL AND WORK!
• Smart car!!

I should really not have coffee at 10 at NIGHT! I'm still WIDE AWAKE!

Optimistic.

Positive

The tears have all dried up
the dreams have all vanished
the ring has left the finger
Memories start to fade
I no longer strive for comfort
I no longer wonder, wish, or pray
Because I already know

Word slips into air
but I don't fall
All questions soon to be answered
Time tells all
Or so I'm told
What will I ever do now?

Someday, Somewhere
I'm positive

I don't really have any inspiration to this blog. More like quips.

Recently, an old friend messeged me to call him up. (Luis) So I then called. We spent hours talking on the phone, and I really missed being able to do that. Christian never talked to me on the phone. I love to talk. Everyday I've been calling or him calling me and then we talk for hours. Today we hung out and watched our all time favorite movie. Nick and Norah's! We both said word by word. Lolz. Pretty funny actually that he would be obsessed as I.

Next thing is that Tyler is back in town for the holidays and Luis is sorta kinda best friends with him. I mean he lives right across the street from him. Next thing I hear is that Tyler has been asking about me, which is strange since he lefted me la blah blah, but you know it kinda makes me have hope for the future. Someday Christian would do the same thing. Ask about me. Yes, I do plan on bumping into Tyler, perhaps tomorrow. Just to see how he has changed. I do know nothing will happen between us. He has a child and I don't know if she's a wife or just a girlfriend, but I don't really care. I just want to show myself off.

btw, my puppy is having a nightmare. she's yapping in her sleep. It's strange.
I'm starting to miss Roy. I really want to hang out with him. We beat my record for talking on the phone for like six hours one time. Not his which is like 12 hours. That's kinda hard to beat.

Stupid weather keeps me away from my friends. :/

Non depressing post.

My thoughts have been quite depressing recently and I would like to take a break from insanity and just get out there again. I can not be stuck in this stuffy room all month waiting. Time goes by much faster anyways when your having fun. Just for your insurance, I'm not saying I wanna get out there and flirt with every guy who looks my way. Which you know, I could get any guy I want. I think Friday I wanna get up on that dance floor and shake my ass. I'm really in a dance mood. Dancing is everything. It makes me so much happier. I can not say no to dancing. Last Friday I went to a winter ball, and It made me feel so alive. It took my mind off of all my worries. While I dance, all my sadness goes away. Everyone on the dance floor becomes my family. People surrounding me. Laughing. Having a good time. I love the club. omg. I'm turning into my brotherrr!!! AHHH!!! I can't wait til he gets back and we can hit that club every Friday! I don't need to get fucked up to have a good time. I don't need a boy to have a good time. Just turn up the radio and let's have at it. :) mm. Me like me some dancing! WEEE!!!

Just for the record. I LOVE DANCING! hahaha.
:D

ily, cns!

waiting...

It's the third day into this month break and I can't stand it any longer.

He haunts my dreams, and invades my thoughts. Every night I go to sleep, I have this amazing dream with him in it. So amazing it feels real. I forget all this bullshit and were together. He's loving me and I'm loving him. Then I wake up and I cry. I go downstairs, drink a protein shake then workout. Watch TV till someone comes home. And then some moment I'm up in my room again crying. Everyone is trying to set me up with some guy and I don't want it. I don't want anyone else. I know exactly who I want. I don't want to get over him. He made me feel safe, wanted, and so comfortable.

I just can't do anything anymore. Everything reminds me of him. When I'm at a store, or anywhere, I look for him.

Shame on me for losing such a great guy. Shame on me for cheating on him. Shame on me for everything.

I have not put down your ring. I always look at it and pray.
Then praying leads me to crying, crying leads me to hating myself.

thoughts of killing myself still cross my mind.
....
i'm hopeless.
I hurt so much.

You know any explaination I come up with will never heal the wounds I've made. But I really have a feeling as to why I did it. In every relationship I had, the partner always hurted me first. whether that was taking my virginity when I've haven't completly made up my mind about it, or Cheating, or ignoring me, or just plain leaving me for someone else. and yes, I believe you were a possible so called "rebound" guy, but who couldn't blame me. I've been hurt so many times before you and I couldn't trust just anyone. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that...

Is it possible that I hurt you first, just so that you couldn't hurt me? I mean it does make sense.

Sometimes when I got into those depressed moments, I would always have an argument in my mind saying Let's break up, but Look at him he really cares, I could possibly fall for him.

And here I am fallen. No one here to help me up. Waiting for my true love to come through that door again.

I have no idea what he is up to tonight, and have no idea what he's thinking and that really upsets me.

I just want him back. I miss him so much.

I love you.

Happy Happy Happy

I'm the happiest girl in the world. I feel as if our love is stronger than ever. I love Christian so much!!! And I thank God for bringing him back to me. This moment has made history and I'm so glad to be apart of his life again. I'm overwhelmed with joy. I've had tears of happiness all night. :):):) Life is so great. better than great. PERFECT. Christian is perfect! I can't wait to see his smiling face again. :) Sigh. what a long day. Rollarcoaster. Just as I thought I was all down hill. whatta relief. No words explain my happiness. I anticipate a long happy life with Christian Nathanial Sanders. Love what a great feeling. :)

He told me so.

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you

And suppose I said "I wanna come back home".

And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson"

And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone.

If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted

And it's killin' me to be so far away.

Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?

Or would you simply laugh at me and say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so

I told you some day you come crawling back

and asking me to take you in

I told you so, but you had to go

Now I found somebody new

and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever

Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?

Would we get that old time feelin',

would we laugh and talk for hours

The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you'd missed me too

and that you'd been so lonely

And you waited for the day that I returned.

And we'd live in love forever

and that I'm your one and only

Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so

I told you some day you come crawling back

and asking me to take you in

I told you so, but you have to go

Now I found somebody new

and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

From the heart.

There's a few things I wish I didn't do. Cheat, Lie, and Steal.

I always seem to be the relationship where "I love you but I'm only in this until this girl I use to talk to talks to me again" That's all of my relationships, and only after they've broken up with me, for another girl, have I realized that they are talking to the girl they met before me. I guess I'm just the rebound girl. Well, this month I've cleaned my slate of all these guys I've talked to, and started with someone new. He use to follow me around in middle school and was just a very interesting boy. So I've found him on facebook, thanks to sarah for helping look. Been talking for about 3-4 days now. Exchanged numbers and continue to text throughout the day. I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I've talked to Sarah and Eleni and Eleni says he's alright. Which is alot from her. I am certainly anticipating his good morning text and our daily conversation.

Meanwhile, I'm very much in love with Christian. Tears will not stop falling. My heart is breaking this very moment talking about it. I really miss his tight embrace around me. and his soft lips upon mine. i can't do this anymore. deep breath. your fine, jennifer. just breath. He'll come around. just breath. that 8x10 doesn't help. I should put it down as the time being. breath. It's so much self control not to text him or drive by his house. It's too much just to drive past his work. i really can't take this. i don't want him to fall for someone else. I'm so stupid. I screwed up so much. I want it all back. I would do anything. i just had an out of the body experience. everything feels out of proportion. I feel taller and my arms feel so far away as i type. I'm getting dizzy when i look down at my hands typing, this is so fuckin weird. ahhh make it go away.

anyways, about a couple months into my relationship with christian i really had to fight myself to stay with him. I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't falling in love with him. When he told me he loved me, i didn't really feel the same way. I just lied to myself and said it back to him. Well if you lie to yourself so many times you start believing it. and that's prob why this is so hard to let go. and now I don't even know the truth. It hurts to see him liking another girl, or is that the jealousy speaking?

Confused.

Old Obsessions

Here I am, talking to the only person who I've cared about for as long as I've been bleeding every month. Seven Years if you didn't know. It's been about 6 months since I've seen him last and the last time I saw him, he was all cocky this, ignore me that. Plus his ex-girlfriend showed up on the last day, which made any possibilities fly right out the window. In about three days, I'll be in his dorm room. Alone. Just me and him. For two days. So many times I've come so close to kiss him are finally laid out right in front of me. This is the guy I used to write about as "drop, dead, gorgeous" and has the "prettiest eyes ever" I use to wear this necklace with a popcap with the middle attached. For some reason, that symbolized "sex". Anyways, I wrote his intials on it and wore for the longest time. I would write in my diary in huge letters that I loved him. In class instead of taking notes, I would writing his name over and over with hearts all around it. I even wrote a poem about him.

I don't know why I love you.

I don't know why I care

It might be your eyes

or maybe even your hair

I think this stupid thing called love

started when I met you

I saw your perfect smile

and eyes that were filled with blue

I think about you all the time

even when I'm not

In my thoughts and in my dreams

It's because your so damn hott

I love your light perplextion

and your glasses too

That's why I wrote this poem

to say I love you!

I've written so much about him, us, and how we are meant to be. All that high school girl dreams and wishes. He has invaded my thoughts, my dreams, and my wishes. He has affected me all these years. I still get butterflies when someone mentions his name. Much worse than that. My palms get sweaty, my throat tightens, I can hardly breath. And Now this! Us. Together. No interruptions. No rules. How can I handle such an event? I thought I was completly over him when I saw him six months ago. I'm still not sure. Part of me thinks that I need this to prove that I'm over him. Or whatever I do feel for him. Since I've had so many emotions for him. He's the only boy that makes me melt. Everyone knows my obsession with Reece. He's like my one and only. The one I dreamed to have my kids, my hand in marriage, to grow old with. I even thought he would take my virginity, but I couldn't wait that long. I actually saved the first dance for him. I actually did. For years, I never slow danced. I waited til he got the nerve to ask. He finally did, and next thing I knew I got swept away by his best friend. All's ruined. Point is: I need this, for my past and future. To close up all those feelings I had for him. It'd be a great ending to my fairytale to know I finally shared moments with him. Life and breath. To open up my new feelings with my new fairytale. No longer will I be tied down with these feelings of being taken from him. No longer will I wonder what if. No longer. No more. These two days are going to tell and show my future greatly. I hope he kisses as I dream.

*Sorry, Christian, If you had to read this. I hope you understand.

Some random

Promiscuous

Casual, Unrestrained

Delirious, Colorful, Wild

Slut

Lust

Passion, Greed

Desire, Crave, Obsence

Physical

Love

Affection, Cherish

Warmth, Romance, Loyal

Forever

Conservative

Decorum, Control

Prude, Dull, Perfect

Virgin

Unfinished

She glances at the clock across the room. It's blinks lime green "3:34". She rolls back over and closes her eyes. Restless. Tears begin to form. She bits back the overwhelming feeling and takes a deep breath.Just count the sheep. You can get through this. Her mind tells her. Too late. Tears are streaming. She buries her head deep into her pillow. How could I be so stupid? She sobs harder. It's harder to breathe. She sits up. Look at me. I'm so pathetic! She gets up, deciding that she will never get back to sleep. At least not tonight. She reaches down for her cell phone that she threw across the room earlier. Really? Your going to check your inbox? You know it's empty! He doesn't care about you! He didn't say 'goodnight', or 'I've made a huge mistake'. No, this is real. Just go back to bed. She stands in the middle of her room. She stares at her insomniac bed. It's all your fault! You made me this way. So obsessive, so insecure, so unlovable. I hate you! She puts on her jacket, grabs her keys, and walks out the door. Where are we going? Her mind races. Just get in and drive. Turn right here. Turn left here. I can't believe your heading towards his house. A sigh escapes. She parks at the park about four blocks away from his house. Well, we can either bang his door down and piss him off and just make things more complicated or just drive back home. No no no. I did not come out all this way just to turn around. Your so right. I can't just knock on his door at four in the morning excepting some kind of love. Gah, I wish life was just a fairytale. Oh yes, cause life is just that simple. No wonder he couldn't love you. You talk to yourself. Shut up! It's normal. Can't I talk to myself? No, no you can't. Why not? People think it's weird. You don't wanna be that one weirdo that's talks to yourself, do ya? No... I don't think I do. What the hell are you talking about? Gah, can't you just stay focused for like five minutes! What am I going to do? She starts pacing.

Great...

So there's two people in front of you. Both great fantastic people. Mister A: Great looks, Mister B: Great personality.

The great question of looks vs. personality. Tough.
Let's rundown all the pros and cons shall we:

Mister A

Pros:

• There for me
• Would make gorgeous babies
• outgoing
• comforting
• seems like I could spend the rest of my life with

Cons:

• thinks he's ugly
• says no one likes him
• self pity
• doesn't get excited when i'm excited
• depressed

Mister B

Pros:

• Sweetheart
• awesome personality
• great style
• gets excited when i'm excited
• quiet shy weird like me

Cons:

• farts around me
• balding
• bad teeth
• can't tell how serious he is
• lacking boyfriend label

They share the same money problems. One is 19. One is 17. Both have jobs, both don't drive at the moment. I just can't figure this out. I would really need that push from mister b if he's serious into me or...

Because of You

Everything has changed

we are apart not together

I'm kissing that guy not him

He's with her not me

These tears are for him

He can't hear these apologies

He's too busy with life

He's says it's all my fault

What am I suppose to do

I only follow the crowd

follow the wanted

wanted not wanting me

This finger is reserved

He knows that

He doesn't believe

Can I change before the end

What am I suppose to say

I only seem to make things worse

make things complicated

complicated like me

I'm realizing the truth

between us

he made me see that

opened my eyes

I still cry

wanting the past

needing the past

predicting the future

"If we make it through hell

then we will know

we were honestly

Meant for Eachother"

How I Feel Sexy

I've been wondering: I think I'm the most flirtiest girl out of my friends. I've gotten every guy I've ever wanted and they haven't. Or maybe all the guys I've ever wanted were so low that anyone with two legs could get them. Besides that point, I wanted them, I got them. I have these sexy spells, where I wake up and look sexy. Or there's the ugly spells where I wake up and feel like crap and don't even wanna put on makeup or do my hair. Anyways...after this boy there's only one more boy left.

This boy is god. Untouchable, but somehow has been wanting me lately. I don't get it. I start a converstion with him, nothing. My friend uses my phone to text him, bam! He wants me the next minute. I thought I knew everything there was to the opposite sex. Apparently not. I'm at complete shock.

another post.

Crumbs.

My consular once told me that all my past relationships were just crumbs to the real thing. Something just to feed off of, until I or them find someone else. There I was looking for my next crumb, when there he was. The whole cake! It was just too good to be true. He treated me like a princess, worshiped me, did whatever I told him. He even changed his ways for me.

The first five months were easy. Loving him, caring. All that. Then all of a sudden, I'm back finding crumbs again!! CRUMBS! When I had the cake in front of me! Three guys, all crumbs. I've been reassuring myself that it's just this "list" of people I want to complete, but why? I really have no idea why I would go back to losers. Maybe I thought I could find someone better. More attractive. More bad boy. Maybe "nerd" isn't my type at all.

My future pictures me with him. Holding his child. Wearing his ring. He's perfect.

Maybe it's too soon to settle down and fully commit myself.
-Jennifer